Surviving

Feeling the warmth of the sun on a cloudy day. A glimpse into a blind billy goat's unique, ever changing perspectives.

2017 07 24 Hey Everyone! July 24, 2017

Hey everyone.

Ya, it’s been a while since my last post, and man how the time flies, that is if you’re doing something that you enjoy doing. grin

I came down with a nasty cuss of a virus on this desktop machine a couple weeks ago, and after my son reformatted the hard drive and loaded Windows 7 onto the machine, I had to go through about seven or so Microsoft technicians before I was able to get back up to Windows 10 Creators. I have never talked about the Microsoft Accessibility Help Desk, which is available for blind and visually impaired computer users, like me. They have helped me out a few times these past couple years, and I am forever grateful for the generosity of Microsoft for this free service.

Anyway, I hate viruses, and hate the fact that I’m stupid enough sometimes to grab hold of them and drag them into my system.

After getting back to Windows 10, I have spent the last week trying to get my computer back to where it was, with programs that I frequently use installed. The task is demanding, and grueling at times, but I have always enjoyed these kinds of things. Not the virus, but the restructuring of the essentials. I did lose quite a few files because of the characteristics of the virus, which locked up my machine completely. I had backed up quite a bit of stuff, but hadn’t done that in a month or two.

I know, right? Duh!

So, here I am, back in cyberspace, making another attempt to rearrange some zeroes and ones along the way.

I hope you all are in the middle of a fantastic summer, and hopefully I’ll get back into some regular posts in a little bit. Thank God I didn’t lose much of my writings, but my multimedia files took a nasty hit.

Take it easy, and enjoy your day.
Oh ya, thanks a million to my son, Matt. Once again, you bailed me out, and I really appreciate it.

We’ll talk atcha later on.
dp

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2017 06 16 Journal Excerpt: Page 30 June 16, 2017

This next excerpt was written November, 2011. A lot of time had passed since I had started the journal, and with large chunks of no activity, I often repeated myself with the entries. Many different things stuck out in my mind, and many things slipped to the side along with the rest of the blurred time.

That first year of vision loss was like the 100 meter dash. Ready? Set? Gunshot! Look at me go! It’s amazing that the world was able to keep up with me, because it sure as hell seemed like I was dashing around like a frantic man, late for work, late for the train, late for a very important date.

The important date was the rest of my life, and although I couldn’t see it, I could sense it standing there, checking the time on its wrist watch.

Time’s a wasting, so we better get going with this next post.

Take care.

Deon

***

Page 30

Nov. 12 2011

It has been, once again, several weeks since I have written in this ledger. I realize that when I have such large gaps in the entries, that the subject lines can tend to sway to and fro, as I lose focus of where I am, and the topics I have covered.

Winter 2010, 2011 was a long lonely winter for me, as well as for my wife. I know that it was probably the hardest winter she has ever had to endure. Not only was it a long and cold winter, but there was a lot of snow, and adding the extra work that she was forced to deal with, it must have been hell for her. I do admire her, and her perseverance through the long snowy days.

For the most part, I tried to do what I could, when I could. I managed to keep some paths cleared of snow out back, so that we could manage the dogs. I can only imagine how ratty the paths looked, after I got done shoveling and clearing them of snow. Most attempts at this was just that, attempts. I had no real idea what in hell I was doing. I tried to keep my visual land markers in order, but some days the blinding snow played tricks on me, and I would seriously lose my orientation. I can remember one day in particular, I thought I was shoveling out around the pool, so as to make a short run for the dogs, and a place to chuck the Doggy doo. I had no idea whether I was shoveling the existing path or not.

I was not. I had veered to the left, and was shoveling where no man had gone before. It was the final frontier, and I had no control of the bridge.

I had many times such as these, where I thought I was going in one direction, and to my shocking surprise, I was heading in the total opposite direction.

Writing this, I think back to the Lion’s meeting that I spoke at, and the facing the flag dilemma. grin

From that shoveling round-about experience, forward, , I fully understood that there were going to be times and places where my limited vision would let me down, and that humility would play a major role in how I managed to handle different situations.

I continue to get twisted around from time to time, and there are very many situations where my vision is completely useless, such as in dark, and unfamiliar areas. I will always have to keep the mind set of a blind man, and learn from each experience. I have captured many skills this past year, and as long as I can keep a healthy frame of mind, I will continue to learn and grow, as a man who can’t see very well.

Through the winter months, as I have said, I completely dove head first into my writing. I continued to get pc tutoring from Mike Adams, and with his help and guidance, I continued to advance my knowledge, and learned the accessibility features of my pc, and am grateful for the opportunity in doing so.

In early march, I did get switched over from System Access, to Jaws. I had to wait a couple months for the full version software, and up to then, I had a demo version installed. I was able to dive into it, but the demo version had a time limit on it, and after the limit expired, you would have to reboot the pc to gain another full time interval again. I did not like to reboot my pc, as most of the time, it would take me around an hour to get it fully up and running again. I have been having a series of issues with this pc since back in early 2010, where it would do the dreaded blue screen of death, and crash with a system crash dump. On top of that, when you would start it from a cold state, it would run fine for a few minutes, then with a click of who knows what, the pc would just go black, like someone had unplugged it.

These problems have been plaguing me ever since, and at this time, I leave it on 24/7. I don’t dare to shut it down, for fear of having to go through this process every time.

There also started another issue where even with a quick reboot, the pc would start ok, it seemed, but none of the programs would load up, and the system was virtually unusable. This dilemma would last sometimes for an hour or so, until everything would start loading and working all at once. It really freaked me out when this happened. When this still happens.

Over the years, I had used a little program called C Cleaner. It was a utility tool that had a couple functions. I used it to clean the junk out of the pc, like temp files, caches, recycle bin, and the temp files of the web browsers. It also had a nice registry scan tool that picked up errors, and corrected them.

I had stopped using the program after learning that the company where my wife was working recommended that none of their employees use it. She convinced me to delete the program, and so I did.

It was a few months later that my pc developed the issue with the programs not responding upon a reboot. I was in peril, as my screen reader would not load upon reboots. I was left without the use of my pc, and it really sucked.

I then remembered about the registry scan utility of ccleaner, and figured out how to download, and reinstall the program. After a few frustrating hours, I did manage to get the program up and running, and I ran the registry scan a couple of times. Thank God the program was somewhat accessible, and I could maneuver through it.

After the registry scans, I reluctantly tried a reboot, and the program response was back to normal. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, as I had brought my pc back into a fact simile of normalcy.

Nothing had felt as good as that did in quite some time. I felt independently capable of handling a problem, and was very happy with myself. I will never use another registry scan utility again, and fully feel comfortable in recommending this program to anyone I know.

To be continued…

 

2017 06 14 Journal Excerpt: Page 28 June 14, 2017

The ability to use my computer is such a big part of my life. It has been since 1995 really, and although a lot has changed since then, it has continued to be something that I rely on to stay in touch with people, and also to continue to discover a world of writing that has opened my eyes to so many new things, both about me, and around me.

I can’t imagine where I’ll be 20 years from now, but I know for a fact that there’s only one way to find out.

What? You don’t know? You want to know?

You better get moving then. Grin

Deon

***

I was introduced to Mike Adams in mid December, 2011. He was to be my new assistive technology tutor. It seems that Steve Sawczyn had landed a huge opportunity with Target. He was hired to revamp their website structure, making it more accessible to the visually impaired community. Their headquarters is out in Minneapolis, St. Paul, and he was traveling back and forth throughout the winter months, and has since moved out to the area permanently. I did feel a little let down when I heard the news that he would no longer be my pc tutor, but Mike stepped in and restored my sense of direction as far as my computer skills was concerned.

I was still using System Access back in December, and Mike instantly told me that he thought I would be better off with Jaws, than System Access.

Back when I was at the Center, I had a meeting with the head of the Technology Department, when it was thought that I would be returning sometime in early 2011 for an extensive course on office skills. I was told back then that I would probably be the only one in the program that would be using the system access screen reader. It was just not common place like Jaws, and I would have to have a separate instructional program designed around my screen reader. I was not comfortable with this option back then, and I was very anxious when Mike Adams told me that I had the option of switching over to the Jaws Screen Reader program. I gladly said that I would really like to switch over, so the order was put in motion, and I started the waiting game.

I never did get to go to the office skills program at the center, as I was told that it would probably be just as good for me to receive home tutoring through the division, instead of through the Carroll Center.

I think back now, and wish I would have had the chance to go to the program in Newton. At the time, I really did not want to leave home again for a long period, as I did in the fall. It would have still been winter, and I could not consciously leave in a good frame of mind knowing that the snow and all that goes along with winter could pose all kinds of problems for Lynne while I was gone.

That bothered me to no end.

So it was decided that I would stick with the home tutoring in the meantime. I was told that I would be just as well off with the training at home, as I would be taught the same platforms, and it should be just as extensive a program as the Carroll Center’s would have been.

Looking back, I know for a fact that I didn’t receive anywhere near the same intense training that I would have gotten in Mass, and am reluctant to think that I am just as well off today without it, and with the training that I did receive here at home.

One thing is for sure, I didn’t receive any substantial pc skills training while enrolled in the center’s independent living program, and I was very disappointed with this. One of the things I figured was that at the least, I would come home with some acquired assistive technology skills that I could continue to build on. Fact is, other than practicing touch typing, there was no real pc teaching, which left me scratching my head. I know that the office skills program would have done great things with my pc skills, but my expetations going into the 8 week program were let down completely in this respect.

Through my time with him, Mike taught me Windows, JAWS, MS Office programs, Windows Explorer and the internet. One thing about assistive technology, it changes every day, as does the accessibility of everything it comes in contact with. What works today might not work tomorrow, and vice – versa. If you think you have it figured out, wait a minute and you’ll figure out that you were wrong, or they were wrong, or it was wrong, or everything is horribly wrong and they’re all out to get you.

Really though, it feels like that some days, as the learning never ends, even though you don’t feel like learning on that particular day.

Mike and I figured out a few things, worked through a few things, made notes on a few things, and through it all, a brand new world introduced itself to me. Was I ready for this new thing? This was, strangely so, the same thing that I had loved to do, back when my eyes worked. This was the same thing that I played with, figured with, fought with, had fun with and missed greatly. Having to learn it all over again from a new perspective sort of pissed me off. Matter of fact, it really pissed me off to no end! Still does some days, but it is what it is.

I just got one of my random, out of the blue, wildly illustrated mental images of a pair of white gloved cartoon hands reaching down and typing on the keypad. Strange? You betcha. These mental snapshots and quick vids have been happening a lot these past couple months. Looney Toons gone horribly astray.

Anyway, I’m back.

Where were we? Oh ya. Mike Adams.

Mike and I worked together through the fall of 2011, and into early winter. At the end of this learning stretch, Mike told me during one meeting that he figured he had taught me all that he could, and there was really no reason to continue the lessons. I felt a little confused with his comments, mainly because I felt in no way as if I was ready to go tackle the digital world on my own. Fact is, it really scared me to think that I wouldn’t have him coming every two weeks to iron out the problems I had come across with using digital access.

That was one of those moments where I wanted to change what was happening, but it was out of my control.

Learn and live, or was it live and learn? I wasn’t sure, but I moved on none the less.

To be continued…

 

2017 06 10 Journal Excerpt: Page 24 June 10, 2017

This next excerpt was written late summer 2011, and describes the return home from the Carrol Center in November, 2010. I was met with a wall of change, none of which I was prepared for. I know that change is good, mainly because it helps us veer away from complacency. Even though I couldn’t see anything coming at me, my feet kept moving forward.

What we do with change defines who we are. Whether you take it head on, maneuver around it or back away from it, change is gonna come. A pocket full of change is far better than a truck load of complacency.

Ready? Set? Look at you go!

dp

***

Page 24

I left the campus that afternoon feeling sad. I also felt happy. I was a mixed bag of emotions as my son and I headed north on 95, back to Maine, and back to my wife, family and home.

The next few weeks after returning home, I felt out of place. I had grown so aware of my existence at the Center. This was just a whole new ball game. This was the rest of my life, and it was staring me right between the eyes. I didn’t know this thing, this life thing, this blind life thing. I had tried preparing myself for it, but it still managed to sneak up on me anyway. I was not prepared in the least. I never felt so scared and out of place, and needy. I just felt like I was no where near the man I used to be just a few months before.

I did stick with it though. Lynne had done her best to get all our ducks in a row while I was at the center, and this was no easy task. With a loss of steady income and not being eligible for disability for six months, our financial situation quickly became serious. I don’t know how she managed to juggle everything, but she did, and my admiration of her continued to grow. I tried to help her as much as I could with whatever I could, but everything I tried to do seemed to take so long, and was just so much of a hassle. Little ordinary things like get the dogs outside, or swap the load in the laundry, or wash the dishes, or take the trash, all of it was completely different. Completely different in my mind set and how I had to rearrange my brain to be able to do these tasks that I had done a thousand million times before.

You see, on that day back on the 3rd of July 2010, my life took a u turn. Everything I knew disappeared from sight. The sounds and smells and touch seemed strangely the same, but without the sight, even all of those had changed perception. All that I was, and all that I would be, hinged on how I was going to be able to handle the changes that faced me every day, and believe me, they hit me head on. I can remember breaking down, completely crumbling on many a day, with being totally consumed in fear and anguish and anger and frustration and a continuing loss of ability to handle it all. It was just too much for me some days. I still had a hard time understanding how someone could wind up in the predicament I was in. My sight sucked, and for the most part, what I could see, made me dizzy as hell. It was like looking at a pathetically dull, fluorescent scheme of colors just before dark. It really freaked me out, still does. I have a hard time explaining to people just what it is that I am looking at most of the time.

I did have two really clear moments of vision, or at least the most clear, and these were when I woke up the first morning at Tufts, and when I woke up the first morning after returning home after Tufts. Those two mornings filled me with hope that maybe my sight would get better, at least enough to get some use out of it.

Those two mornings I was met with a stark clearish vision field. It was filled with sharp lines of clarity and edges of shapes. It was also filled with these images being stretched and twisted and warped right in front of me. It was the weirdest things I had ever seen. Nothing from the sixties could ever come close.

I can remember hanging on to the wall at the hospital as a nurse escorted me to a bathroom in the hall. I was saying under my breath, “This is just so ffffffing weird. I could not believe what I was seeing, but the fact that I was seeing something set me off on an emotional roller coaster. I cried and laughed. It was something I will never forget. The same sort of thing happened to me on that morning at home also. I was headed towards the bathroom and I was met with the same twisted sharp images that set me once again reeling with emotion. It was like everything I could see was being soaked with water and was starting to drip and run down through my sight, like colors on a canvas running down from top to bottom. It was just one of the strangest things. It really did sort of frighten me. Those were the only two mornings that I have seen images such as those. I have wished and hoped and prayed for these visions, as twisted as they may be, for just one more moment.

I have been told by my Ophthalmologist in Waterville that the damage to my retina is irreversible, and that I have no hope of gaining more vision than I have right now. On that day, it seemed that the last nail closed the coffin filled with hope. I buried it, along with any notion that miracles would ever happen. I know that miracles are just that, miracles, and they could occur under any circumstances, but when it comes to my vision, I don’t hold out any hope for them any more.

To be continued…

 

2017 06 09 Journal Excerpt Page 23 June 9, 2017

I have always been sort of a kid at heart. Growing old has only increased the distance of years, but the memories of the actions remain fresh in my mind. Certain things we feel as a child become embedded in our core. The time spent moving away from our youth might clutter the hallways with a vast experience, but the taste of our childhood often lingers on the tips of our tongues.

This next segment brings back so many different memories for me. Not only the memories of the moment, but the experiences of a child with eyes as big as the starry filled skies.

Ok. Scattered brain tangent acquisition complete. Present task frame re-engaged.
Current journal excerpt initiated.

Deon

***

Page 23

I walked up to the graduation podium that morning feeling like I was skipping along a cloud. It felt a little strange to be able to hear the people in the room, but not to be able to see them.

I made it up to the microphone and spoke about a scared guy that had just become blind, and had come to this place in Newton Mass to try and figure out how to live as a blind man. I was nervous and my voice was shaky and cracking. I felt just like I did in grade school when I had to go up in front of the class to read a book report. I suppose that by not being able to see the audience, it did relieve me of a lot of my inhibitions. My anxiety levels were not as combustuous as they usually were.

I thanked the center instructors, and the staff, and the other students for being there for me. I told of friendships that had been built on hope and faith and drive and determination. A truer foundation for friendship had never been seen by me.

As I ended my words of thanks and praise, I started back to my seat as the audience applauded me, as they had done with the others.

Mike got back on the microphone and told me to turn around and come back to the podium. I was a little surprised and figured that he had a story about the chicken coop that I had helped with.

It wasn’t about the chicken coop.

I turned and walked back to the podium and stood beside Mike. He asked one of the staff to go over to the table where the shop projects were. He told them to bring mine over to the podium. He took it from the staff member, and handed it to me. “Mr. Lyons,” he said, “I would like you to tell everyone the story of this little toy truck.”

I was surprised as hell and wondered why he had picked mine as the only one to be highlighted. I felt very strange, but I also felt very good.

I took the truck from him, and proceeded to tell of the story of a little boy that had told his grandmother of a present that he wanted for Christmas. The audience was hushed as I spoke of the truck and the trials of building it, and of a wonderful shop instructor that made it all happen.

It was a wonderful experience to be able to tell the story. It was a simple story of love and determination and passion and drive and hope and family and faith. It was a simple story from the heart, and as I told it, I got a peaceful feeling deep inside of me. It was one of the best feelings I have ever felt. The whole while I was telling the story, I got flashes of Lynne and Jack rushing through my head. I knew that Matt was filming the speech, and I smiled knowing that he was only a few feet away. Man was it good to have him there. He made the whole day complete.

I ended the story with a tear in my eye as mike grabbed my arm and squeezed it tightly. “Thank you.” He whispered to me in my ear. I returned to my seat with the truck still in my clutches. The room applauded, and after the last person went to the podium, I was swarmed with people from the auditorium wanting to take pictures with me and my grandson’s truck. It was a strangely wonderful feeling.

There were a lot of pictures taken after the ceremonies, teachers with students, students with parents and loved ones. I was asked by Heather to take a picture with her and fellow student Brandon Eiffel. I was glad to. I had grown quite fond of Heather. Some of the other students didn’t care for her. I think it was just her demeanor, but I was able to see through all of that, and I feel that I was really able to get to know her as a person. She always had praise for me and continually told me that I was way too hard on myself. I know this, and continue to be. It is a trait handed down to me by my father. I strive to reach a level of praise according to what I feel his standards were, and are.

I did wonder why my project was selected out of everyone else’s to showcase at the ceremony. I was told later on that it was because my story was something that everyone could relate to. It was so heart warming and simple and full of a Childs vision of what Christmas means. I felt proud and so lucky to have the family that I do. Every time I think of Jack, I smile. It isn’t just a surface smile, but a smile from deep within my soul. It’s a smile that will be with me for the rest of my life.

To be continued…

 

2017 06 07 Journal Excerpt: Page 21 June 7, 2017

This next page from my journal describes one of the most important weeks of my life. The build up, the wind down, the exhilarating emotions, the unforgettable memories that followed me home, it all signified the end of something that I would never forget, and the start of something I could never have imagined. Through all of those days at the center, I was unknowingly preparing for the rest of my life, a life without the use of sight, but a life with so many new visions.

It’s been a few years from there, to here, and man how things have changed.

And now, on with the post.

Deon

***

Page 21

I had been trying to build a wooden toy truck in Manual Arts class those past several weeks, and had not made much progress with it. I really never thought I would finish it before I returned home after graduation. It just didn’t seem possible. I had class twice that week, and my instructor Bill told me that he would be able to work with me after class on a few days. I still didn’t think we would be able to finish it.

With one day left in the week, I was still miles away from finishing the project. The wooden truck was designed to be able to be completely dismantled, and then re-assembled again. Jack had told his Nunna that he wanted a toy truck for Christmas. A truck that you could take apart, and put back together again. I had told Bill this in the first week of class when we were supposed to decide what to build for a project. His eyes lit up when I mentioned it to him. He said that he had always wanted to feel like he had Santa’s workshop at his finger tips. He also told me over and over again that he loved to build toys.

That Thursday night was the night before graduation. There were only classes until noon on graduation day, and so Thursday night was my last chance. Bill had told me earlier in the day that I could come to class after final period at 3pm. I arrived with no concept of being able to finish the toy.

Bill and I stayed in the shop until 9:30 that night working on the truck. He was also helping a couple other people finishing up their projects as well. When I finally assembled the cab of the truck, and felt it, I knew we were done. I got a rush of warmth up and down my body like I used to get at Christmas time. Santa and his elves had done it. The truck was complete.

I couldn’t take it out of my hand all night. The only time I did let go of it was to let the others in the dorm have a look at it. From the reactions of the people who had working eyes, it was a cool, sharp looking truck. I felt wonderfully good. I felt like I had conquered Mount Everest. I felt like I also needed to thank Bill again and again. What a wonderful thing he did to help me finish the truck.

That last week for me was a blur of emotions and experience and hope and accomplishment and a sense of completion of the first stage of my new life. I really felt like I had climbed an unbelievably high mountain, and the view from the top was incredible.

There were some altercations, some goings on with a few of the students on campus, but for the most part, I had managed to stay focused on what I needed to do for myself. I had come through the 6 week program with flying colors, and received very good reviews from the counselors as well as the instructors. I was told that I had made a positive impression with the faculty. I had remained focused and positive in my direction and objectives. I had from the start, kept the mind set of being able to tackle obstacles head on and learn from any experience that came my way. I had lived what I had been preaching. I felt good that I had kept a promise to myself. That was the most important thing to me.

I had grown rather close to a few of the students, and hated having to leave because of them. Karen from the Cape, and Yancy from Long Island had become very good friends that I could always count on cheering me up on those gloomy days. I tried to do the same for them also. We just kept picking each other up when we needed it.

As I look back now on all that went on in those 8 weeks at the Center, I am amazed that it seemed for the most part rather easy. I told this to Leona, and she wasn’t surprised. She told me that I had my focus level set so high, and that the amount of anxiety that I riddled myself with, was met with tasks that I had internally prepared myself for, no matter what they were. By imagining the worst things that could ever happen, I had set the bar a lot higher than the Center did. I know that there were some very trying times during those two months, but like usual, they were almost never as bad as I had made them out to be in my head.

This is something that I have done my whole life. I always play things out in my head prior to events, and usually imagine that things are going to be much more difficult than they ever transpire to be. I have a vivid imagination, and it gets the better of me a lot. I should have been a screen playwright, or a drama coach, lol. My theatrical, over the top mind more than not propelled me into a created parallel world that usually never came close to reality. It sure looked and felt like it though.

To be continued…

 

2017 05 17 Essay, Poetry: Old Habits May 17, 2017

Hey there.

I just finished another semester at college last Friday, and as the dust settled down, a thought occurred to me. As much as it feels like I just finished something, there’s something else that’s just about to start. It’s as if I needed to finish one thing, so I could get started on another. Ain’t life funny like that sometimes?

I guess it’s all about the task at hand, like life is one “thing” after another. Don’t you dare loosen your grip, because there’s another one coming around the corner with your name written all over it. No time for self adulations or being able to take a break. Nope. None of that, well, that is if you’re not one to grab a seat and take it easy for the rest of your life.

Granted I don’t take on things like I used to, but on the same note, it seems that things didn’t slow down much when it comes to me. I guess my memo didn’t get out on time or something.

I think we are who we are because of what we do. Perhaps you can spin that around to look at it as though what we do is because of who we are? Maybe it’s a little of both?

The way I do things totally changed these past few years. My abilities changed, my perceptions changed, my reactions to certain things, how I move through my day, how I interact with folks, it’s so different today, and to think that with each day I see, feel and react to new things, or are they really new?

A year ago I lost the rest of my sight, and the changing happened all over again, or did it just continue? The light from the window, the shine of the chrome, the sun in the sky, the contrast of white on black, it all came to a screeching halt, and as I changed again, the way I think about things, realize things, perceive things, absorb things and search for things changed, again. I don’t see my vision changing any more. I don’t see myself trying to find the light, the shine, the morning haze, the evening stars, the full moon, because even though they’re still there, and I can see them in my mind, I’ll never actually see them again.

It’s funny though how I catch myself turning to try and see something going on around me, still. Standing in the bathroom a few days ago, I heard a strange bird call outside. I leaned over to the window and looked at the spruce tree outside, or where I thought the spruce tree should be. I didn’t realize I couldn’t see it until I had looked out through the window and up at the tree. As soon as I realized what I had done, I smiled, chuckled, shook my head and turned away from the window. For those few moments, the picture in my mind turned itself into reality, and boy did it feel good, if only for a moment.

I do these same sorts of things a lot while I do up the dishes in the kitchen. When I am wiping them dry, I turn to put the dish away in the cupboards, and sometimes I reach out to grab the cupboard door handle, and I can see it. I reach out for it, and there it is, exactly where I reach, exactly where it should be. Man oh man how the mind can help to fill in the blanks.

Old habits have a hard time dying sometimes, or is it that I’m still trying to live?

The ability of the mind to see is a habit that I hope will never die.
So far, so good.

The following poem was written a few years ago, but it seems to fit in with this essay. I guess I’m continuing with the theme of April. An essay, a poem, a mark in time.

Thanks for stopping by, and have a great day.

dp

***

Mindful Sight

Darkness to the left and to the right
The vision, unseen, lies just ahead
Trudging on through muddled footsteps of the mind
The glimpse of light stolen from sight

With staff in hand the journey begins
Step lightly over unseen paths
The mind wraps around it all
Announcing the unseen visions

Walk through the fear and anxious days
With eyes not seeing, the stories still unfold
The pages turn one by one
And endless chapter of a new journey begins

Helpful hints arise amidst the countless curves
The paths walked before call out with familiar phrase
Twisting there and here against the grain
Rolling on towards sunlight’s invisible touch

With memories of sighted mind
I reach for the light within
Cascading down through the limbs of life
Refreshing the heart, mind and soul

Falling forward, life tumbles on
Unknown roads and unseen faces
Call out a familiar name
Reaching out a familiar hand

Oh humbled soul, take the steps
Walk the mile of frozen fear
The book is open and lesson learned
True visions lie from deep within the pages

Sighted past, forget me not
Remind me of the colors I still see
Explain what I’ve been able to feel
Build shape from the things that I touch
Give voice to the faces dancing in my mind