Surviving

Feeling the warmth of the sun on a cloudy day. A glimpse into a blind billy goat's unique, ever changing perspectives.

2017 06 25 Journl Excerpt Page 39 June 25, 2017

Through our lives, there are things, circumstances, interactions that can change the course of our lives. Many things after 2010 did exactly that, and along with these happenstances, I have learned a great deal.

 

This next page describes one of those moments that changed my direction. It led me towards a body of people who not only inspired me, but who also taught me about a different kind of family, a different kind of commitment. As long as I continue to have them in my life, the inspiration will continue.

 

Have fun.

 

Deon

 

***

 

Page 39

Written June 2017, describing Late summer, fall 2011.

 

The summer months came and went. My interaction with the two writing groups really kicked into gear, and the word documents began to appear under my fingertips. I especially remember falling in love with writer prompts, which is when you are given a theme, a subject, a few lines of action, and from these prompts, well, it is amazing the different stories that unfolded onto the screen. I loved to write, and it was starting to show.

 

I hadn’t had any interaction with any blind folks, other than my first VRC Leona. The only visually impaired people I had met were the ones at the week long employment workshop back in the spring, and other than trying to stay in touch with them via email, they just sort of faded back into the worlds they had come from. I do still get emails from one of them, and am in touch with another one through ACB, but that’s been it. I didn’t know any blind people to speak of, and just kept poking along as usual.

 

The weeks kept piling up and fall was on the move. I had always loved the fall season, with the leaves changing and the air becoming brisk, especially in the mornings. Fall was always the busy time for me with my job. People were starting to gear up for winter driving, which meant they might need a new set of snow tires. Who you gonna call? Me, the tire biter extraordinaire! Grin

 

My wife gave me the name, “Tire Biter”, and in our house, it stuck like glue. She used to joke about me and my physical abilities. She would describe me as riding around the country side, reaching into the back of my truck while I was driving, and flinging the tires out to my customers as I drove by. She likened the experience to, “pinging” the tires. Yes, I was fairly strong statured, and physically agile from many years of heavy lifting, but each time she described my animated role, well, I’m chuckling now thinking about it.

 

I miss the fall months and being able to ride through central Maine as the scenery turned into pure magnificence. The routes up through Farmington, Sugarloaf, Rangely, down to the coast, through Knox County, it was utterly beautiful, and from 2006 through 2010 I did my best to capture it all on my first digital camera.

 

That fall saw me reminiscing back through the years as I flipped through my mental photo album. Endless mindful collages of people, family, pets, nature, smiles and birthdays and Christmases and reunions and especially those simplest things of all. I constantly reached in to pull out a handful of images from my past, for they were the only things I had that remotely resembled the present.

 

Yes, fall came, and with it, my introduction to the American Council of the Blind of Maine. I got a call one evening from a woman who was involved with the group, as well as the Clinton Lions Club. Mary Ellen Frost invited me to sit in on the ACB’s annual conference, which was being held in nearby Waterville. I accepted the invitation and agreed to sit in on the morning session.

 

Comparing my nervousness of the past when it had to do with things of this nature, I didn’t feel anxious or nervous leading up to the next morning. I suppose that having so many mobility lessons had built up my ability to go at new things head on, without those same internal emotions that used to really grab hold of me in the past. I had felt the complete gambit of emotions, many, many times, and this experience was no different than any of those that O&M brought on.

 

The next morning came, and Lynne and I made the short trek into Waterville. I didn’t know what to expect, and tried to approach this brand new opportunity with a wide open mind.

 

Mary Ellen met my wife and I in the motel lobby, and from there, she escorted me into the conference room. She sat me down at a table with Carson Wood, a long time ACB member. He didn’t seem very interested in striking up a conversation with me, and before I knew it, Mary Ellen grabbed me and led me to another table loaded up with women. Nervously, I sat down and was instantly surrounded with questions, comments and through all of their interaction, I felt like I was at a very welcoming social event.

 

As the morning session got underway, I was helped back to the table with Carson. I don’t think we uttered more than a few casual words to each other through the remainder of the morning, so I tried to focus on the speakers for the next couple hours.

 

One of the speakers, Brian Charlson, was the director of the Tech department at the Carroll Center. He was the one who interviewed me for possible selection into their office skills program, which I never got the chance to attend. Brian talked about assistive technology, and in particular, iPhones and iPads. I had heard his presentation back at the Carroll Center, and with a few additional bits of new information, he once again graced the room with his tech savvy abilities.

 

The morning went along, and through it all, I was a little overwhelmed with all of the information. The director of DBVI, John McMahon, was in attendance, and delivered his presentation in a well rehearsed fashion. The rest of the folks that spoke I wasn’t familiar with, so a lot of the morning ended up turning into a barrage of white noise. Too much information at a hurried clip entered my noggin and swirled around until most of it ended up blowing back out through my ears. Still though, I was very grateful for the opportunity and in the end I realized that they had sold me on becoming a member.

 

At the time, I wasn’t aware of the NFB, (National Federation of the Blind). Sure, I had probably heard the name a few times, along with ACB, but didn’t really understand who they were, or what they did. Having the chance to sit and listen to the morning session gave me a great deal to think about, and think I did.

 

To be continued…

 

2017 06 17 Journal Excerpt Page 31 June 17, 2017

I’m not gonna lead into this next segment with much in the way of comments, except to say that the roller coaster of emotions kept on rising and falling through the days of 2011 with an endless surge of electricity. As time chugged along my entries into the journal grew wider apart, and I forgive the repetition of what was going on. I guess although it was the same old thing over and over, the days separated the events from each other, and through it all, the growth was evident.

I hope you’re all doing well, and here we go.

Deon

***

Spring, 2011.

Dana burke is here right now cleaning our furnace. I like him a lot. Always have. He is just so damn friendly, and always has made me feel like family around him. I have always considered him as one of the best people I have ever met, plus he’s funny as hell!

Well, Like always, the winter of 2011 slid on by, and spring came none too soon. I had survived my first winter as a blind man. Lynne had made it through probably one of the hardest stretches in her life. I realize that I must have been a trip to live with during those first few months. If I could manage to climb out of my head some days, it probably wasn’t that bad for her. Unfortunately, there weren’t too many days when this feat was accomplished. Most days, I was a blind guy with many needs and constant reassuring that I was ok. Some days I was totally convinced that I was not. I did seem to plow through that first winter with the love and support of all my family. I do not like to think where I would be without the help, love, and support of my wife. As much as she doesn’t think that she is my anchor, I will tell you that she is my anchor, and I would aimlessly drift out to sea without her.

Spring did come, and the snow left, and it was good to see it. There were a ton of things that were bothering me about the coming summer. There were so many things that I was no longer going to be able to do, and that bothered me to no end. I really had a hard time with all of it, and I can remember lying many mornings in bed, awake and contemplating the days ahead of me. Every time I would think of something different that I was no longer going to be able to do, I would get a rush down through my body, and then feel really really sick to my stomach. It would come in waves, and the tension and anxiety that these feelings and thoughts created was relentless, and continuously pounded me down, flattening me and snatching the breath out from my heart and soul. I really did not know what to do with these feelings, but I also knew that I had been feeling similar feelings throughout the months since the vision loss. I knew I would be ok, but some days I didn’t know just how I was going to be ok, with all of these fearful feelings resonating inside my troubled soul.

Prayer, and support, and internal determination got me through these months, these mornings, these days and afternoons, and if not for the tools that had been implanted in me over those few months, I probably would not have been able to keep my head above water. I owe so much to so many, and had so little to give back in return, or so I thought.

One day leading into another, and the troubled thoughts and worried paths that my mind took seemed to keep piling up. With each day of pain and anguish, there came with it a day of growth and accomplishment and determination and strong will.

Entry, April 22 2012,

It has been many moons since I have written anything in this journal. I am sorry.

In that spring of 2011, I was faced with so much adversity that I really felt like I was on auto-pilot or something. I was going through the motions, and gobbling up every last thing that I could get my hands on, but still I was left with an empty feeling, similar to the one I am feeling right now. It is a haunting, relentless feeling of doubt and worry and anguished anxiety that always tends to leave me in a state of constant worry about things I feel I can not control, but somehow should still be able to. Those days through the spring of 2011 flew by, as all the other days did. I couldn’t see the leaves on the trees budding. I couldn’t see the starlings flying north in a never ending line. I couldn’t see the grass on the lawn turning green. I couldn’t see the crocuses, or the daffodils, or the new growth on the spruce trees. I couldn’t see any of it, but I knew it was there, just out of reach. Everything felt just out of reach. Everything felt like it was behind a curtain, and the show just wouldn’t start. Everything seemed just out of reach.

I dove head first into my computer even more heavier through the spring. I was writing every day, and relied heavily on it. It was the one thing that I could control, and I thoroughly enjoyed the thought of it. It just felt so good to write my emotions and feelings and thoughts, and then go back and read it afterwards. It was like I was reading it for the first time. It was a good, new feeling that I quickly grew fond of. It was what I wanted to do more than anything else, and I quickly became addicted to the sound of the keys popping under my fingers.

I also started back in on my mobility lessons in March of 2011 with Rosemary. This is when I started writing lesson overviews after each lesson. I found that when I wrote about the lessons, I was able to go back and really take a long look at how I felt, what I learned, the emotions I experienced, and the growth that I was working on. I still didn’t like the lessons much, and with each time out, I found that my skills were getting better. The uneasy feelings were becoming bearable. The doubt was replaced with a feeling of humility that helped me through it all.

I still to this day, don’t like my cane too much. It is the one thing that totally reminds me of just how blind I am. I still feel embarrassed when I have to use it in public. I feel like the whole world is watching me. I feel like the center of attention, and that, to me, is the worst feeling in the world. I have never been one to crave attention. I have never dealt well with it, and don’t look for it. I can’t help it, but it is just the way I am wired.

through the spring, I tried to stay in touch with family as often as I could. the home finances were constantly tight, and thank God that Lynne was working. Her extra income really helped to make ends meet.

To be continued…

 

2017 06 16 Journal Excerpt: Page 30 June 16, 2017

This next excerpt was written November, 2011. A lot of time had passed since I had started the journal, and with large chunks of no activity, I often repeated myself with the entries. Many different things stuck out in my mind, and many things slipped to the side along with the rest of the blurred time.

That first year of vision loss was like the 100 meter dash. Ready? Set? Gunshot! Look at me go! It’s amazing that the world was able to keep up with me, because it sure as hell seemed like I was dashing around like a frantic man, late for work, late for the train, late for a very important date.

The important date was the rest of my life, and although I couldn’t see it, I could sense it standing there, checking the time on its wrist watch.

Time’s a wasting, so we better get going with this next post.

Take care.

Deon

***

Page 30

Nov. 12 2011

It has been, once again, several weeks since I have written in this ledger. I realize that when I have such large gaps in the entries, that the subject lines can tend to sway to and fro, as I lose focus of where I am, and the topics I have covered.

Winter 2010, 2011 was a long lonely winter for me, as well as for my wife. I know that it was probably the hardest winter she has ever had to endure. Not only was it a long and cold winter, but there was a lot of snow, and adding the extra work that she was forced to deal with, it must have been hell for her. I do admire her, and her perseverance through the long snowy days.

For the most part, I tried to do what I could, when I could. I managed to keep some paths cleared of snow out back, so that we could manage the dogs. I can only imagine how ratty the paths looked, after I got done shoveling and clearing them of snow. Most attempts at this was just that, attempts. I had no real idea what in hell I was doing. I tried to keep my visual land markers in order, but some days the blinding snow played tricks on me, and I would seriously lose my orientation. I can remember one day in particular, I thought I was shoveling out around the pool, so as to make a short run for the dogs, and a place to chuck the Doggy doo. I had no idea whether I was shoveling the existing path or not.

I was not. I had veered to the left, and was shoveling where no man had gone before. It was the final frontier, and I had no control of the bridge.

I had many times such as these, where I thought I was going in one direction, and to my shocking surprise, I was heading in the total opposite direction.

Writing this, I think back to the Lion’s meeting that I spoke at, and the facing the flag dilemma. grin

From that shoveling round-about experience, forward, , I fully understood that there were going to be times and places where my limited vision would let me down, and that humility would play a major role in how I managed to handle different situations.

I continue to get twisted around from time to time, and there are very many situations where my vision is completely useless, such as in dark, and unfamiliar areas. I will always have to keep the mind set of a blind man, and learn from each experience. I have captured many skills this past year, and as long as I can keep a healthy frame of mind, I will continue to learn and grow, as a man who can’t see very well.

Through the winter months, as I have said, I completely dove head first into my writing. I continued to get pc tutoring from Mike Adams, and with his help and guidance, I continued to advance my knowledge, and learned the accessibility features of my pc, and am grateful for the opportunity in doing so.

In early march, I did get switched over from System Access, to Jaws. I had to wait a couple months for the full version software, and up to then, I had a demo version installed. I was able to dive into it, but the demo version had a time limit on it, and after the limit expired, you would have to reboot the pc to gain another full time interval again. I did not like to reboot my pc, as most of the time, it would take me around an hour to get it fully up and running again. I have been having a series of issues with this pc since back in early 2010, where it would do the dreaded blue screen of death, and crash with a system crash dump. On top of that, when you would start it from a cold state, it would run fine for a few minutes, then with a click of who knows what, the pc would just go black, like someone had unplugged it.

These problems have been plaguing me ever since, and at this time, I leave it on 24/7. I don’t dare to shut it down, for fear of having to go through this process every time.

There also started another issue where even with a quick reboot, the pc would start ok, it seemed, but none of the programs would load up, and the system was virtually unusable. This dilemma would last sometimes for an hour or so, until everything would start loading and working all at once. It really freaked me out when this happened. When this still happens.

Over the years, I had used a little program called C Cleaner. It was a utility tool that had a couple functions. I used it to clean the junk out of the pc, like temp files, caches, recycle bin, and the temp files of the web browsers. It also had a nice registry scan tool that picked up errors, and corrected them.

I had stopped using the program after learning that the company where my wife was working recommended that none of their employees use it. She convinced me to delete the program, and so I did.

It was a few months later that my pc developed the issue with the programs not responding upon a reboot. I was in peril, as my screen reader would not load upon reboots. I was left without the use of my pc, and it really sucked.

I then remembered about the registry scan utility of ccleaner, and figured out how to download, and reinstall the program. After a few frustrating hours, I did manage to get the program up and running, and I ran the registry scan a couple of times. Thank God the program was somewhat accessible, and I could maneuver through it.

After the registry scans, I reluctantly tried a reboot, and the program response was back to normal. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, as I had brought my pc back into a fact simile of normalcy.

Nothing had felt as good as that did in quite some time. I felt independently capable of handling a problem, and was very happy with myself. I will never use another registry scan utility again, and fully feel comfortable in recommending this program to anyone I know.

To be continued…

 

2017 06 15 Journal Excerpt Page 29 June 15, 2017

Filed under: Essay,Inspiration,Life,Perception,Personal Challenge,Writing — DP Lyons @ 6:48 pm

Without sight, the mind begins a slow, methodic process of taking over where the eyes used to rule. It’s funny how at times during my days now, it actually seems like I am seeing things, like the void, empty spaces are filled in with realistic shapes, colors and rolling scenery that moves and changes with this new approach to my own perception. . My mind fills in the slots of information that the eyes used to supply me with. As time progresses, I believe my mind is becoming more accustomed to the extra work load, and although it’s tiring at times, it sure is nice to believe that I have things to look at.

A life time of memories, a world of changing views, a mental journey towards tomorrow.

Take care, and thanks for stopping by again.

Deon

***

Page 29

Going back to the winter of 2011, it seemed to last forever. It was cold, and long, and snowy, and long, and frigid, and long and just so frigging long. I thought it would never end. I actually thought winter was going to last forever, and we would never see the light of spring again.

For the most part, I tried to keep the driveway shoveled, and a few paths out back cleared so that we could get the dogs in and out. The first couple of times I shoveled the driveway was quite a chore. I could see just enough to piss me off, and had quite a time trying to find my way back and forth with the snow scoop. I’m not really sure how I did it, I guess I had a lot of help from God, because there were times when I literally was screaming and crying inside, as I tried to make it back and forth to the end of the driveway.

I used the house, and the car, and the two large trees in the front yard as land marks to guide me through the task. I fell quite a few times, and swore a few more times. Rosemary did end up getting me some ice grippers for my shoes, but they kept falling off, and I would end up crawling around the driveway looking for them on the ground. It was humiliating to say the least, and after doing this a couple times, I retired the ice grippers, and relied on my unique balancing skills. Ya, right. It was a nightmare trying not to fall on my ass when the driveway turned into a sheet of ice, especially at the end of the driveway near the road. It was hellish, and reminded me of a very bad joke.

Another bad joke was my attempt at bowling a few times with the Lions Club. Nothing reminded me more that I was blind than this did. It was awful, and I wanted to throw the ball down the alley like a baseball. I couldn’t get out of the gutter most of the time, and although I did manage to have a little fun, it was nerve wracking and another humiliating display of pathetic ineptness. I felt so out of place, and nervous.

I used to bowl competitively as a youth, and into my early adulthood. I was good at it, and won quite a few trophies. Bowling with no vision was painful for me. As I said, nothing reminded me that I couldn’t see more than this did. I could see just enough of where the gutters began, and used this narrow window to set me in the right direction with my approach, but as soon as I started my approach, the gutters disappeared, and I was left with, what I considered, a pitiful attempt at finding the pins with the ball. I did manage to meet some wonderful people though, and hopefully this upcoming winter, I can resume the attempt to throw some more gutter balls.

The last few times I went, I could sense that I was able to keep my balance more, and was able to get some higher scores. I even threw a couple of spares, and actually threw a strike one time. It was a domino strike, but beggars can’t be choosers.

During that winter of 2011, I was able to acquire a copy of Office 2003 from somewhere along the line, and after I installed it, I began diving head first into my writing. I had a pretty good grasp of touch typing, and put it to good use. I started small with a few short stories about some accomplishments as a child, and it took off from there. I got into some poetry, and for the most part, it always seemed to concentrate around my becoming blind. I have been able to write a couple of poems that didn’t involve my blindness, but they have been few and far between. I am sure that in time, this will be a different story, as I evolve into my disability, and become more adapted to my new life. I know that I am still going through the grieving process, and there is no way of telling how long this will take for me to be able to move on and start down another road. Until then, I will roll with it, and take what it gives me.

I kept writing the long emails to my family and relatives through the winter. It was an escape for me, and seemed to bring joy to some of them. I hope it did, and that they weren’t just humoring me all along. I hope that none of this has been humoring. I don’t know what I would do if I found out that my writing is really a joke, and that people were just saying nice things to me to make me feel better. I don’t want to feel better. I want to feel what ever it is that I am supposed to be feeling at this time in my life. I can not afford to short change anything that is common place for someone in my shoes. I can not afford to skim around the edges. I need to face all this head on, and not take any easy access routes in the mean time.

I do like to write, and will continue to do so, as long as I am afforded the opportunity. I love it, and don’t like to think where I would be without it. It really has been a form of solace to me. I seem to escape out of my head and away from my blindness while I am writing. It really does seem like magic at times.

To be continued…

 

2017 06 14 Journal Excerpt: Page 28 June 14, 2017

The ability to use my computer is such a big part of my life. It has been since 1995 really, and although a lot has changed since then, it has continued to be something that I rely on to stay in touch with people, and also to continue to discover a world of writing that has opened my eyes to so many new things, both about me, and around me.

I can’t imagine where I’ll be 20 years from now, but I know for a fact that there’s only one way to find out.

What? You don’t know? You want to know?

You better get moving then. Grin

Deon

***

I was introduced to Mike Adams in mid December, 2011. He was to be my new assistive technology tutor. It seems that Steve Sawczyn had landed a huge opportunity with Target. He was hired to revamp their website structure, making it more accessible to the visually impaired community. Their headquarters is out in Minneapolis, St. Paul, and he was traveling back and forth throughout the winter months, and has since moved out to the area permanently. I did feel a little let down when I heard the news that he would no longer be my pc tutor, but Mike stepped in and restored my sense of direction as far as my computer skills was concerned.

I was still using System Access back in December, and Mike instantly told me that he thought I would be better off with Jaws, than System Access.

Back when I was at the Center, I had a meeting with the head of the Technology Department, when it was thought that I would be returning sometime in early 2011 for an extensive course on office skills. I was told back then that I would probably be the only one in the program that would be using the system access screen reader. It was just not common place like Jaws, and I would have to have a separate instructional program designed around my screen reader. I was not comfortable with this option back then, and I was very anxious when Mike Adams told me that I had the option of switching over to the Jaws Screen Reader program. I gladly said that I would really like to switch over, so the order was put in motion, and I started the waiting game.

I never did get to go to the office skills program at the center, as I was told that it would probably be just as good for me to receive home tutoring through the division, instead of through the Carroll Center.

I think back now, and wish I would have had the chance to go to the program in Newton. At the time, I really did not want to leave home again for a long period, as I did in the fall. It would have still been winter, and I could not consciously leave in a good frame of mind knowing that the snow and all that goes along with winter could pose all kinds of problems for Lynne while I was gone.

That bothered me to no end.

So it was decided that I would stick with the home tutoring in the meantime. I was told that I would be just as well off with the training at home, as I would be taught the same platforms, and it should be just as extensive a program as the Carroll Center’s would have been.

Looking back, I know for a fact that I didn’t receive anywhere near the same intense training that I would have gotten in Mass, and am reluctant to think that I am just as well off today without it, and with the training that I did receive here at home.

One thing is for sure, I didn’t receive any substantial pc skills training while enrolled in the center’s independent living program, and I was very disappointed with this. One of the things I figured was that at the least, I would come home with some acquired assistive technology skills that I could continue to build on. Fact is, other than practicing touch typing, there was no real pc teaching, which left me scratching my head. I know that the office skills program would have done great things with my pc skills, but my expetations going into the 8 week program were let down completely in this respect.

Through my time with him, Mike taught me Windows, JAWS, MS Office programs, Windows Explorer and the internet. One thing about assistive technology, it changes every day, as does the accessibility of everything it comes in contact with. What works today might not work tomorrow, and vice – versa. If you think you have it figured out, wait a minute and you’ll figure out that you were wrong, or they were wrong, or it was wrong, or everything is horribly wrong and they’re all out to get you.

Really though, it feels like that some days, as the learning never ends, even though you don’t feel like learning on that particular day.

Mike and I figured out a few things, worked through a few things, made notes on a few things, and through it all, a brand new world introduced itself to me. Was I ready for this new thing? This was, strangely so, the same thing that I had loved to do, back when my eyes worked. This was the same thing that I played with, figured with, fought with, had fun with and missed greatly. Having to learn it all over again from a new perspective sort of pissed me off. Matter of fact, it really pissed me off to no end! Still does some days, but it is what it is.

I just got one of my random, out of the blue, wildly illustrated mental images of a pair of white gloved cartoon hands reaching down and typing on the keypad. Strange? You betcha. These mental snapshots and quick vids have been happening a lot these past couple months. Looney Toons gone horribly astray.

Anyway, I’m back.

Where were we? Oh ya. Mike Adams.

Mike and I worked together through the fall of 2011, and into early winter. At the end of this learning stretch, Mike told me during one meeting that he figured he had taught me all that he could, and there was really no reason to continue the lessons. I felt a little confused with his comments, mainly because I felt in no way as if I was ready to go tackle the digital world on my own. Fact is, it really scared me to think that I wouldn’t have him coming every two weeks to iron out the problems I had come across with using digital access.

That was one of those moments where I wanted to change what was happening, but it was out of my control.

Learn and live, or was it live and learn? I wasn’t sure, but I moved on none the less.

To be continued…

 

2017 06 13: Journal Excerpt Page 27 June 13, 2017

When something is out of your control, it can be frustrating to no end, especially when it messes with your plans. I’ve had a plan or two impacted greatly with circumstances beyond my control, and as I would shake my head and curse under my breath, I began to understand and learn the significance of patience and understanding. I’ll tell you right now that I’m still learning, and still do get flustered from time to time, but like I said, none of it is in my control.

If my frustrations are caused by me, then that’s a completely different learning experience.
Grin

Go after it, grab it, live it and learn from it. This life of yours wouldn’t want it any other way.

Deon

***

Page 27

Winter continued to roll on through Christmas and the first of 2011. Early in February, I had the privilege of being invited to attend a jobs workshop put on by the Division of the blind in Augusta. Leona was very excited, and when she got excited, so did I.

The first two days of the workshop had me wondering what in hell was going on. The two facilitators seemed to hate the Governor, and made sure that everyone taking the workshop knew about it. They were very unprofessional, and I was left thinking that maybe this was not going to be such a good workshop. The second day of the event, we were supposed to get a storm that afternoon, lasting right through the next day, so they cancelled the classes for the next day, and let us out early that second afternoon. On that second day, Leona came in during a meal break, and sat to talk with me. Apparently she could sense the frustration in my voice as we talked, and later that night, called me to discuss it.

She asked me, and I let into her about how totally perplexed I was by the situation, and did not know how anyone would benefit from the workshop.

She pulled me out of the workshop, and I took it again the next month, which was in March. I am not sure if these two facilitators still do the workshops, but if they do, I pity the participants.

The major event cancelling storm came and went, and the sun was out by nine o’clock that next morning, which was said to be the morning of the biggest storm mankind had ever seen. It was a fairly harmless storm. These days were not going to be able to be made up, so we were going to have to try and squeeze in the work into two fewer days. The facilitators seemed that they wanted to call off that next day in some sort of rebellious tone against the Governor, who had came out and said that if you live in Maine, you should be able to drive in the snow, especially if you had lived here for very long. This particularly seemed to frustrate these state workers, as no Governor that they didn’t vote for was going to tell them when to not take a snow day. It was a pitiful display of spoiled childish behavior, and I was very glad that Leona pulled me out of the workshop. When I took the second workshop, there were people taking the second one who had also been pulled from the first one.

The next event in March was done with professionalism by two facilitators that showed passion and expertise in the materials, and in the way they facilitated the week’s events. I benefitted greatly from the lessons. I still keep in touch with one of the facilitators.

The helper that was assigned to me for the event was Sharon Pottle. She provided the transportation and helped me with reading the printed work in the workshop. We hit it off rather well, and had some wonderful discussions during the half hour trips there and home.

The winter seemed to fly by, although it also seemed longer than the other seasons I had just come through. I missed so many things about the winter. I missed watching the snow fall. I missed being able to drive in the snow. I missed being able to use my snow blower to create the dog paths out in the back yard. I used to love walking the dogs outside after I had finished clearing the paths. It was just so clean and neat looking, and I loved watching them run through the paths. I miss being able to see the turkeys out back by the corn field scratching at the dirt. I missed being able to see the trees after an ice storm. I miss the look of branches laden with ice. I missed so many things about the winter. It was still there, but it just seemed so far away. Sort of like looking at things through a display window at a department store, but not being able to touch the items. Winter seemed to be just out of my reach, along with so many other things.

To be continued…

 

2017 06 12 Journal Excerpt Page 26: Word Count 998 June 12, 2017

email: dplion@roadrunner.com
Word Count 998
Blog Address: http://www.dplyons.wordpress.com

Boy were my perceptions a little distorted back in 2010. Reading back through the journal, it’s apparent to me that I became so needy that I grew to expect things from people. I became selfish and unfeeling outside of my own pain and anguish. As many wrenches as life was throwing at me, it seems that I didn’t do the smart thing, which would have been to catch the wrenches, open my tool box and stock up. What I became good at was blocking the flying tools with my forearms while I cursed my very existence.

I apologize to anyone that I have looked down to, talked down to, and expected things from which was completely uncalled for. I know that I still do fall back into my little nook sometimes, and I’m in no way finished working through the process of grieving. They say that time heals all wounds, but it has become fairly apparent to me that there’s a ton of things that I still need to work on.

While I keep working, I invite you to keep reading. Thank you all for your help, your friendship and once again, away we go.

Deon

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Page 26

After I returned from the Carroll Center, I also contacted the Lions Club in Clinton because I had heard about them at one of the class seminars at the center. I had no idea that the Lions organization had so much to do with helping folks with vision problems.

I wrote an email to the head of our local chapter here in town, and was answered by the head person. She asked me if I would be interested in speaking at one of their monthly meetings in town. We were invited for the supper event that coincides with the meetings. I gladly accepted and was quite excited at the chance. I thought I would be nervous, but at the end, I was really not. The fact that I could not see the people at the meeting as I spoke probably had a lot to do with my non fear factor. I had always been terrified to speak in front of people in the past, but found that it was rather easy to speak that night.

One of the regional big wigs of the organization was also in attendance at the meeting. He spoke to the group and told them that one of the main reasons that the lions club was formed, was to help and assist people such as me.

We were graciously welcomed at the meeting, and treated with the utmost courtesy and friendship. It was a true fellowship feeling.

I did speak with passion and a little sense of humor, as I always have in those situations. At one point, I was speaking, and Lynne kept whispering for me to turn to the right. I did. She told me to turn to the right a little more. I did. Still, she told me to turn to the right. I asked her if I was speaking to the wall. One of the men at the head table told me that I was speaking to the ,American flag behind the head table. It seemed that as I was speaking, I was slowly rocking back and forth. As I rocked back and forth, my feet shuffled, and continuously slowly turned me around to the left, until I was facing at around seven o’clock. He told me that I was speaking to the flag, and then I put my hand over my heart and said, “Well, God Bless America.” The whole place burst out in laughter. Lynne told me that my ears were beet red, which happens to me when I get embarrassed.

The night was a lot of fun, and I felt really good afterwards. I knew a couple people at the meeting, and they came up to me after to say hi. We left with the feeling that we would be in touch with the Lions Club a lot in the future.

To this day, fall 2011, , we have heard from no one belonging to the organization. I did find out that Leona has also been involved with the organization, and this past spring, she went to one of their regional events at Sunday River. She keeps telling me that the organization is going to be in contact with me about some sort of offer or something. She also wants us to join the organization. I have my doubts.

My folks reached out to the organization when I was an infant, as they were looking at an incredible task of getting my mother and me down to New York City for cancer treatments. The organization did nothing in the form of any kind of help. My folks have held a sore spot in their hearts for the Lions Club ever since. ?This fact, along with the fact that I have had no offerings of assistance what so ever, have left me with a sour taste in my mouth as well.

I realize as I write this that my perceptions of the Lions Club arise from the turmoil I was going through, and in a fractured state of mind as I had laid claim to, strange perceptions and expectations can work in to your mind and play havoc with your approach to many, many things. How can I come to expect things from a source that I knew nothing about? How twisted is that? How twisted was my logic back then? Should I consider this as one of my stepping stones, one of my learning points? Just asking these questions leads me to believe that the answer is, yes.

On that December day back in 2010, I came to the bitter conclusion that I would wait to see what was to transpire. The last thing I wanted was to close any doors in my life. I could not, and can not afford to by any means.

To be continued…