Surviving

Feeling the warmth of the sun on a cloudy day. A glimpse into a blind billy goat's unique, ever changing perspectives.

2017 06 19 Journal Excerpt Page 33 June 19, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — DP Lyons @ 1:34 pm

Pity is a very strong emotion. We want people to feel sorry for us, so we strive to cause them to feel sorry for us. We cry, stomp around, suck our thumbs and pick our noses and all the while, we look out the corner of our eyes to check on the situation with our sad puppy dog eyes and lowered head. Pitiful? Oh you betcha. Have I went on a mission to gather in as much pity as possible? Oh you betcha. Did it do me any good? Not in the least. Matter of fact, it was a complete waste of time, because in the end, I hadn’t managed one step forward. Matter of fact, I didn’t even stagger sideways!

 

I still hop on top of the pity pot from time to time, and I would imagine it must be a sad sight to see. Could it be old habits dying hard? Ya, probably, but it’s probably like old habits hardly dying.

 

Ok, that’s it. Here’s another dose of my past, and do me a favor, ok? Please don’t waste your time feeling sorry for me. It ain’t doing me any good.

 

Take it easy.

 

Deon

 

***

 

Page 33

 

I was able to attend another employment skills workshop in early June in Augusta. It was held at a motel, and the Division put up myself and the other six takers of the workshop at the motel all week. It was quite the experience for me, and I learned a great deal of patience and ability to adapt.

 

The workshop started on a Sunday, and by Monday night, I was so frustrated with the whole thing that I wanted to go home. The program relied on a lot of computer and internet interaction. I was not able to do any of the interaction participation due to an accessibility problem. The laptop that was assigned to me was supposed to be able to be tied in with the state website, and their main program that had links to the Jaws program. None of the facilitators of the workshop had any knowledge of Jaws, and really didn’t know their way around the State’s main site to help me get logged on with Jaws. I spent two days trying to use my own laptop with the material that everyone else was going through. I was slowly and surely being left behind through it all. I had only been using Jaws for a couple months, and was not really good with the program yet. Needless to say that along with my anxiety with it all, it was a disaster, and I really felt as though I did not get anywhere near as much information out of the program as the other participants did. The other 6 participants of the workshop were able to use a screen magnifier, so they were all able to follow along with the daily work. I was asked a couple times to leave the room with one of the facilitators to try and go over some of the material in a one on one fashion. I did not like this, and along with everything else, I was left with a feeling of complete inadequacy. I realize now that most of it was just my anxious nature taking control of the situation. I did not handle it very well, and was disheartened with it all.

 

The main goal of the workshop was to get me prepared to be able to look for, find, and go after a job prospect. this included being able to get a chance at an interview, and taking advantage of all that I was able to retain from the workshop.

 

No matter how hard I try, I still get incredibly over run with anxiety from time to time, usually over silly things. I let the obstacles of the workshop get the best of me, and was not able to fully take in all that the workshop had to offer me. I did let the Division know about my short comings with the workshop, but I also let them know that overall, the workshop was done in a very professional manner, with a lot of hard work and preparations involved. There was only one other thing about the workshop that didn’t set right with me. On the last day, we were supposed to take part in mock interviews, and these were supposed to be video taped for ourselves to have a copy of. During my weeks prep, I never really settled on a career to focus on, seeing how I was never able to do the class work with the rest of the participants. This caused me to head into the interview with no real goal in mind for a career, therefore I was not really prepared for the interview, as far as what type of job I was interviewing for. I had stated that maybe I would do well in a career such as customer support, or sales tele-marketing, given my past sales experience, but it was never fully planned or discussed that this would be what I should focus on to prepare for the interview. Once again, I felt left out, and completely unprepared heading into the room for the interview.

 

The interview was a disaster, as the video taping held up the process, due to a malfunctioning video camera. There I was, unprepared, and held up half way through the interview because of a faulty camera.

 

The interview was called off half way through, and I was left with an unreachable goal of a successful interview, which was supposed to be the cherry on top of the week long hot fudge sundae.

 

Although I walked away from the workshop confused and frustrated, I must be fully aware that the knowledge that I obtained should always be looked at as completely outweighing the negatives of the experience.

 

I found myself in my usual train of thought, which was to feel sorry for myself, and waiting for everyone else to notice poor old me, and like usual, it wouldn’t have done me one damn bit of good.

 

To be continued…

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