Surviving

Feeling the warmth of the sun on a cloudy day. A glimpse into a blind billy goat's unique, ever changing perspectives.

2017 06 15 Journal Excerpt Page 29 June 15, 2017

Filed under: Essay,Inspiration,Life,Perception,Personal Challenge,Writing — DP Lyons @ 6:48 pm

Without sight, the mind begins a slow, methodic process of taking over where the eyes used to rule. It’s funny how at times during my days now, it actually seems like I am seeing things, like the void, empty spaces are filled in with realistic shapes, colors and rolling scenery that moves and changes with this new approach to my own perception. . My mind fills in the slots of information that the eyes used to supply me with. As time progresses, I believe my mind is becoming more accustomed to the extra work load, and although it’s tiring at times, it sure is nice to believe that I have things to look at.

A life time of memories, a world of changing views, a mental journey towards tomorrow.

Take care, and thanks for stopping by again.

Deon

***

Page 29

Going back to the winter of 2011, it seemed to last forever. It was cold, and long, and snowy, and long, and frigid, and long and just so frigging long. I thought it would never end. I actually thought winter was going to last forever, and we would never see the light of spring again.

For the most part, I tried to keep the driveway shoveled, and a few paths out back cleared so that we could get the dogs in and out. The first couple of times I shoveled the driveway was quite a chore. I could see just enough to piss me off, and had quite a time trying to find my way back and forth with the snow scoop. I’m not really sure how I did it, I guess I had a lot of help from God, because there were times when I literally was screaming and crying inside, as I tried to make it back and forth to the end of the driveway.

I used the house, and the car, and the two large trees in the front yard as land marks to guide me through the task. I fell quite a few times, and swore a few more times. Rosemary did end up getting me some ice grippers for my shoes, but they kept falling off, and I would end up crawling around the driveway looking for them on the ground. It was humiliating to say the least, and after doing this a couple times, I retired the ice grippers, and relied on my unique balancing skills. Ya, right. It was a nightmare trying not to fall on my ass when the driveway turned into a sheet of ice, especially at the end of the driveway near the road. It was hellish, and reminded me of a very bad joke.

Another bad joke was my attempt at bowling a few times with the Lions Club. Nothing reminded me more that I was blind than this did. It was awful, and I wanted to throw the ball down the alley like a baseball. I couldn’t get out of the gutter most of the time, and although I did manage to have a little fun, it was nerve wracking and another humiliating display of pathetic ineptness. I felt so out of place, and nervous.

I used to bowl competitively as a youth, and into my early adulthood. I was good at it, and won quite a few trophies. Bowling with no vision was painful for me. As I said, nothing reminded me that I couldn’t see more than this did. I could see just enough of where the gutters began, and used this narrow window to set me in the right direction with my approach, but as soon as I started my approach, the gutters disappeared, and I was left with, what I considered, a pitiful attempt at finding the pins with the ball. I did manage to meet some wonderful people though, and hopefully this upcoming winter, I can resume the attempt to throw some more gutter balls.

The last few times I went, I could sense that I was able to keep my balance more, and was able to get some higher scores. I even threw a couple of spares, and actually threw a strike one time. It was a domino strike, but beggars can’t be choosers.

During that winter of 2011, I was able to acquire a copy of Office 2003 from somewhere along the line, and after I installed it, I began diving head first into my writing. I had a pretty good grasp of touch typing, and put it to good use. I started small with a few short stories about some accomplishments as a child, and it took off from there. I got into some poetry, and for the most part, it always seemed to concentrate around my becoming blind. I have been able to write a couple of poems that didn’t involve my blindness, but they have been few and far between. I am sure that in time, this will be a different story, as I evolve into my disability, and become more adapted to my new life. I know that I am still going through the grieving process, and there is no way of telling how long this will take for me to be able to move on and start down another road. Until then, I will roll with it, and take what it gives me.

I kept writing the long emails to my family and relatives through the winter. It was an escape for me, and seemed to bring joy to some of them. I hope it did, and that they weren’t just humoring me all along. I hope that none of this has been humoring. I don’t know what I would do if I found out that my writing is really a joke, and that people were just saying nice things to me to make me feel better. I don’t want to feel better. I want to feel what ever it is that I am supposed to be feeling at this time in my life. I can not afford to short change anything that is common place for someone in my shoes. I can not afford to skim around the edges. I need to face all this head on, and not take any easy access routes in the mean time.

I do like to write, and will continue to do so, as long as I am afforded the opportunity. I love it, and don’t like to think where I would be without it. It really has been a form of solace to me. I seem to escape out of my head and away from my blindness while I am writing. It really does seem like magic at times.

To be continued…

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