This next segment was written September 2011. When I read through it I realized again that I often wrote how I felt like a complete waste of time. I felt many emotions, and many of those left me wondering, worrying and wandering through a slideshow of a dark place that, even though I didn’t care for, I found myself struggling to not think about.
I know now that by writing about it, I was facing those fears head on in a way that allowed me to explore different understandings of things that were brand new. Its funny how learning how to touch type opened up so many different things for me. Nothing can veer me away from believing that things happen for a reason, and we are exactly where we are meant to be. This time, today, right now is the start of something new. Each minute of each day is a gift. The present.
Pretty cool, huh?
It’s been some time since I’ve entered anything again, so here goes.
Those days when I returned home after the Carroll Center were some of the hardest days I have ever lived. They were also some of the most spiritually awakening days of my life. I tried to have a chat with God on a daily basis. A lot of the chats revolved around me asking Him “why?” I did not know why anyone would be left with the vision that I was left with. It really hit home and I felt continuously like I had done something severely wrong to be left with this. It must have been redemption for all of my past faults and past wrongs. I truly did some soul searching back in those days, as I still do today.
The first few weeks after returning home, I was left with a feeling of sheer emptiness. My wife, God bless her, had poured her heart and soul out onto the table for me and everyone else to see. I wasn’t sure just how much fuel she had left in her tank. She has shown me time and time again what a strong woman she is, and that she is in this, along with me, for the long haul. I can not imagine being in her shoes, back then, or now. I must have seemed like such a lost child. Some days I still do.
The months through the winter were long, hard, and cold. I tried to grasp onto everything that I had learned at the center, and for the most part, I think I did the best I could. I still felt like a lost little boy with no sense of purpose. I did keep in touch with Leona, and she told me what I needed to hear. She always did.
Mid way through December, I managed to get the roto tiller rolled back to the garage area. It was very hard for me to know that the tiller had been out there beside the garden all summer, and had not been used. She talked to me, my tiller. She cried to me to let her have a couple runs through the garden. I was not able to run the tiller for obvious reasons, and Lynne just couldn’t run it herself.
That was a part of me that I had lost that really had an impact on me. It really hit home, and I still greave the loss today. My garden had been such a form of independence to me, without even knowing it. Now as I write this, it’s been a full summer of having no garden, and I long to walk through freshly tilled dirt again. Nothing felt better than walking through cool fresh dirt with my bare feet. I just loved it, and miss it greatly.
As I have said before, I am sure that I will gradually get back into gardening, but it’ll be a completely different feeling. Who knows, it just might be even better than before. We would like to get into some form of box gardening, or a small plot so that we may grow some tomatoes again. I think that’s what we miss the most, the roma pear tomatoes. When I walked past the box gardens at the Carroll Center, I could smell the tomato vines, and it almost made me cry. I crave the smell of tomato vines.
Well, winter came, and the snow piled up outside. I did manage to get the front driveway and a few paths out back shoveled. It was extremely hard, and I look back and wonder just how I did it.
I know that I must have run back and forth over the same shoveled areas again and again, because I could not really see the areas already shoveled very well. I did persist though, and managed to keep the driveway and the paths out back all clear all winter.
I did get some help from Mr. Nelson across the street, as he used his Kubota tractor a couple of times to clean the end of the driveway back. The snow at the end of the driveway was piling in from the town plow, and creeping in to the driveway. I had a very difficult time getting the snow up over the banks with the snow scoop. One of the last storms that we got was very heavy and wet snow. I had to use a regular shovel to get the end clear. I thought I was going to have a heart attack before I was all done.
I used to make a running joke about thinking I was doing such a good job at shoveling, until one day my wife drove up beside me and asked if I would like a ride back to the house, because it seems that I had shoveled right past the end of the driveway, and had unknowingly started busily making my way down the road. I got a lot of laughs from that one.
To be continued…