Feeling the warmth of the sun on a cloudy day. A glimpse into a blind billy goat's unique, ever changing perspectives.

2017 06 01: Journal Excerpt Page 15 June 1, 2017

Complacency has taken up quite a bit of time through my life, and as I write this, I’m wondering why that is. When I think of it, doesn’t each day bring us new things? Doesn’t each rising sun lead us towards a unique destination? Even though our heads find the same pillow at the end of the day, aren’t our heads filled with new memories?

Wasted time is a given, and we all pile it up. Thinking that our lives will never change is a trendy thing, but it serves no other purpose than to bring on boredom of the spirit.

As complacent as my life seemed, 2010 grabbed hold of me and pushed me forward through a life changing event that took all of my complacency and fed it down through the shredder. Those feelings that my life would never change were met head on with the soldiers of change, and man what a force they turned out to be.

This is page 15 from my journal, and again, I hope you all have a memorable day.



Written late summer 2011, describing late summer 2010.

Page 15

As the time moved closer to September 21st, I grew more anxious and unsure. I was writing longer letters and it felt good to write. I was getting a little more in tune with my typing and with my pc as a whole. I was still unsure of what I had in store for me as far as future software and other advancing digital technologies that would help me greatly. I was also still waiting for a digital recorder to take with me to Mass. That was one of the things that they said was imperitive to have at the center.

The days grew closer, and I was still blind. Oh man, how I was still blind. I did have some things happening with my vision that were startling to say the least. It seemed that every day I could see something different. A color here, a shape there. Things were becoming more seeable to me. I was glad as hell that I was improving at any rate. I always had hope deep down that my sight would improve. If I could see just a little better, then I could do more. I could fend for myself a little more. I could be less of a burden for Lynne. Maybe I could be less blind.

I was seeing more colors and noticing more of my surroundings. The only thing was that I could not see the color green. That frustrated me. I knew that there was so much green to be seen, but it eluded me. I also did get a good glimpse of Lynnes face one day out by the dog pen. The light was hitting her face just right and I could see the contours of her eyes and cheeks and mouth. I told her to stop. She didn’t know what was going on. I walked up to her, cupped her face, and started crying. She knew that I could see her and she started crying too. She looked so damn good. She had never looked so beautiful to me. It seemed that I had my Cub back.

Through all of those early weeks in September I still kept in close contact with Leona and counted on her for support and guidance. She knew about all of the ups and downs I was going through and it made it all so much easier. She seemed on so many occasions that she was the architect of my future. At least for the time being anyways. She had so many plans for me and I wanted them all to happen right there and then.

All in good time. Patience. All in good time.

I guess I’ll jump ahead to when I went to the Carroll Center on the 21st of September, in which the day started bright and early. We were supposed to be at the center at 9 am sharp so that I could be present during the orientation. Lynne, Matt and I met Leona in Augusta around 4:30 and we were on the road from there before 5 am. The trip down was as anxious as I have ever felt about anything. Even my wedding day. I was just so full of scenarios and such in my head that I had created those few weeks leading up to the 21st. I felt like a kid on the first day of school after our family had moved from Little Falls to Derry. I was a nervous wreck, and Leona knew it. Wwe all tried to make small talk on the way down, but my mind was constantly wandering to a fixed point where nothing made any sense. I was still not sure if I was truly blind. I mean I had been sighted just yesterday, or so it seemed. There was no way that I was ever going to figure any of this out.

I was all packed with my Sunday best. The preliminary checklist said to bring normal dress clothes for a normal day at an office environment. I had rifled through my khaki’s and dockers and dress shirts a couple days before. I was amazed at how many of them fit properly. I felt good as far as all of the weight that I had taken off earlier back in june and july. I hadn’t been that thin in quite some time. It felt good indeed. I did bring some sweats and hoodies. I liked to be comfortable and I was hoping to be able to get into their exercise room in the dorm.

Well we got swayed a bit on the way down. We got into some heavy traffic just half way from the Mass line to Boston. We also started heading west on 90 instead of east back to the city. We finally did arrive at the center a little after 10 am. I was all out of sorts. The campus seemed extremely difficult to navigate in my mind. How I was ever going to figure my way around this maze was beyond me.

We did manage to get someone to help us to my room in the dorm. I think it was Rachel the PM instructor. She showed us upstairs to the second floor of the dorm. My room seemed like it was wedged into a nook in the wall. When we entered the room, Matt snooped over to the other bed and desk to see who my roommate was. He told me that my roomemate’s name was Carlos. Carlos? Really? Carlos? The name rang inside my head. I sat on my bed and noticed that the springs were feeling like they might be broken. I later learned that they were, and the situation was remedied shortly thereafter.

To be continued…


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