Today is Tuesday. The following journal post was written in April 2011, and describes Friday, July 9, 2010. The days were very confusing back then, and it’s a wonder I could keep them somewhat organized in my head, because there sure was a lot of crap flying around inside my mush melon back then.
We all go through difficult times in our lives. We all tend to find some way to figure out how to survive so we might stare at another sunrise.
I am so very fortunate to be where I am today, and am grateful for the inspiration that’s helped to keep my feet moving.
And away we go with journal post page number 6.
Have a great rest of your week.
Well the next day, Friday, was a hectic day for sure. I had an appointment for another treatment early that morning, so Lynne and I headed out for Bangor fairly early.
I suppose that I should tell you that Thursday night I snuck out back and lit up a cigarette out in the back yard. I lit it up and took a couple drags from it. The feeling that I got was similar to when I first tried smoking. I got very dizzy and after a couple of drags I felt as though I was ready to pass out. I got scared, mainly because I remembered that the Technician at the hospital told us that this treatment would scrub clean the cells in the lungs. It was a cleaning of my whole system. Well, when I got extremely dizzy, it scared me. It snapped me to attention. All of a sudden I was completely aware of just how damaging these stupid things were to me. How could I continue to put this crap into my body? How could I have been so distracted all of these years to not listen to my body as it hacked up stuff from my lungs continuously. The addiction to nicotine is a deadly addiction. This drug is just as. Or more dangerous than any other drug I can think of, because it convinces you that you are ok. Convinces you that you are ok while it is slowly robbing you of your life from right under your nose. Cunning and clever. Dastardly and misleading. I hate cigarettes and the way they have controlled so much of my life, without even realizing it.
Well, I put the cigarette out after a couple drags, and went inside the house and told Lynne to get rid of all of my cigarette stuff. The tobacco, the rolling machine, the tubes, all of it. She did, and I really never had much of a hard time with the withdrawals. I guess I am fortunate. I did have periods of cravings the next two weeks, and I must admit that they were rather strong, but with all of the other things going on with me I didn’t really have much time to dwell on it. Thank God.
As I write this, it’s been 9 months and I am still smoke free. I have twinges of cravings from time to time, but they only last a few seconds. My lungs feel fine. My throat is still messed up sort of. I am always having to clear my throat.
Well, as I said, Lynne and I set out for Bangor the next morning for my second treatment. It went without a hitch.
Once again I was convinced during the treatment that there were things happening with my eyesight. I was convinced that it was getting better. I was able to see the shape of the TV screen on the wall across the room. That was something I could not remember seeing during the first treatment. I suffered the same effects during the process of reaching 100 percent oxygen level. My ears were closing and I kept having to clear them. After a few minutes of the dive, my ears were starting to hurt from the pressure change.
I made it through the second session, and was once again asked a barrage of questions from the Program Physician. She once again seemed a little disappointed that there had not been any significant positive results from the treatment.
I always had in the back of my mind the fact that I was aware of the very low percentage of positive results with these treatments in regards to my condition. I was still rather hopeful that there would be some improvements. I just couldn’t succumb to my condition. I had to be able to find a way out of my caldron of darkness. Once again I was presented a blank sheet of paper in which to start writing my new life’s story.
The ride back home was a rather quiet one. There wasn’t much good to talk about. We had to get home because that afternoon I was scheduled for another treatment, and my sister Paula had offered to keep me company that afternoon.
We arrived at home just in time to meet Paula, and after a few minutes, her and I piled into her Honda and I was once again off to Bangor.
Paula and I talked up a storm on the way. I have since wondered what was actually going through her mind. It must have been twisting and turning to say the least. Her and I have always been able to have heart to hearts. It sure did me good to have her with me. I felt like the whole family was there through her. Thanks PJ. It meant more than you could ever imagine to have you there.
Well I was really really convinced that 2 treatments back-to-back would surely snap me out of my funk. How could this not help? It had to. Right?
Once again I was having things happen to me in the chamber that was surely evidence of a major improvement. Once again the questions came afterwards. Once again I left the hospital as I had entered it. /almost completely blind.
My hopes were slowly dashing as I had but one more treatment set for the next morning. I was torn between feelings of hope, and feelings of despair. The latter of the two getting the most coverage.
We arrived back home and I was completely exhausted. My mind had been put through the ringer. I had seen the lows, and felt the highs, and through all of it I felt as though God would guide me through the rest of the way. He would have to, because I had lost my road map.
That night as I lie in bed I was put through a plethora of emotions. I was happy, then sad, then frustrated, then happy, and on and on. I can’t imagine how I must have appeared to Lynne. I know that at times I felt like a sniveling little brat. I was so damn helpless and confused. I did not want anyone to see me like this, but in the same breath, I wanted everyone to know what kind of torment and torture my heart was going through. Knowing that I might be faced with this for the rest of my life was of no comfort. It only added to my chaos.
To be continued…