Surviving

Feeling the warmth of the sun on a cloudy day. A glimpse into a blind billy goat's unique, ever changing perspectives.

2016 02 19 White Knuckles February 19, 2016

White Knuckles

It’s Thursday night, and the wind is calm. The mourning doves have settled in for another winter’s night, and the wind is blowing easy out of the south west. It’s been a fairly mild winter thus far, and believe it or not, I’m looking forward to mud season. I guess in my getting older age, the winter doesn’t hold any magic for me anymore.

Life out here on the ridge doesn’t change much for me. One day sort of blends into the next, and before you know it, here comes another day, barreling around the corner at a rate of speed that would make Steve McQueen’s knuckles turn white.

Over the past few years, I’ve experienced a few white knuckle moments brought on by my blindness. I suppose you could chock it up to life in general. I’ve been writing about it, talking about it, feeling it, hating it, growing from it and accepting it, or trying my best to accept it. I’ve written the word, “I”, often, and I suppose it’s for good reason. I’m sure I’ve bored a lot of you with my recollections, my inhibitions, my beliefs and my outlook, but it’s all I have. It’s all any of us have, and it’s what I have chosen to do.

I’ve had a lot of support, a lot of guidance, been faced with a ton of anxiety and have been rapidly knocked back a few steps, sometimes by the words of others. One way to look at it is that it’s all happening for a reason and through it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, the fascinating and the truth, I’m right here, writing another blog post.

Following one of my recent posts, I received the comment suggesting that I should just get over it. Nothing has ever hit home quite like these three little words did. I have pondered on them more than I care to, but I have also dug in deep to their meaning.

I’m a creative writer by nature, and through my descriptive phrase, I have settled in, more than not, with an ongoing theme of personal survival. I guess I named this blog correctly back in 2011. Such a long time ago, but such a quick journey. I don’t hold praise to the fact that I do feel sorry for myself at times, but I also don’t like the fact that while doing so, I have pulled a lot of people into my situational pity. It all happens so fast though, and before I know it, I’m wondering what the hell I’m doing.

I jokingly tell people that I’m the first blind person I have ever met. It’s true. I never noticed, or had the opportunity to encounter a blind person before 2010, and I’m sorry to say that I wish I never had, but oh, how I’m glad I did. Boy, is that a tug of war statement or what.

I’ve seen so many different things since my sight loss. I’ve met some of the most amazing people on the face of the earth, one of whom I just happen to live with. I’ve been surrounded by love, affection, hope, despair, inspiration and an element of mentoring that I would have never known if not for becoming blind.

I’ll just say that with all I have been through, there’s still much more to my existence. There’s more than meets the eye, and there’s more that I need to learn, to live and to love.

People tell me that I am a form of inspiration. They tell me of how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown and how confident I look.

Boy if you only knew how much I don’t know, how much I am frightened of, how much I wish things could have been different, but they’re not.

I am grateful though. I’m grateful for the lessons I have learned, the harsh teachings I have been afforded, for those are the most useful. I’m thankful for my God, for my family, for those who throw three little words at me, and for this inner strength that keeps me moving forward. All of these things make up who I am, who I have become, but more importantly, who I might become.

Get over it. It’s a simple phrase that holds so many truths. It’s a three word phrase that has spun me around and caused me to take a deeper look at my own perceptions. Yes, I tend to fall back into that little boyish way of thinking from time to time, and my wife is usually the bearer of my own selfishness, but as long as I can realize it and learn from it, hopefully I can package it up and mail it back to where it belongs.

My mailbox is getting a little full, so I’d better get to work.

Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for listening to the ramblings of a blind billy goat, on a ridge, on a road, on a journey that still awaits me.

Bye for now.

dp

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7 Responses to “2016 02 19 White Knuckles”

  1. Dee Says:

    ” Life is a journey, a gift that is bestowed to us, one that
    we travel sculpturing our path along its way.” And…..
    this you indeed have done, my sweet Cuzz! You are
    a Mentor to so many, and when you speak, we all
    listen. You are an artist, ( I know, because I have had the
    privilege to view your photography), a writer, and so much
    more! You are a gift to the world, and I thank you for being
    you!
    xxx Dee

  2. Deon, I appreciated your blog article in my E-mail box this morning. “Get over it?” Some things that happen in life are beyond words. There are no words we can ever put together that can express what it is like to lose our sight. We walk by faith, not by sight – and our faith brings us through all the circumstances we encounter – moment by moment – most of the time. Lynda

  3. John Says:

    I once told a female friend who was having problems with a friendship that went sour that she should get over it. Boy, did she get mad at me! She said it was impossible to get something completely out of a person’s head. She suggested it would have been better if I had told her to work through it, rather than get over it. While I understand where she’s coming from, I think being told to get over something is the motivational kick in the butt we need now and then.

  4. carol lyons Says:

    I LIKE YOUR COMMENT TO DEON LYNDA. DEON YOU DO HAVE A LOT OF FAITH THANK GOD AND IT IS HELPING YOU BUT I AM SO SURE THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU LOSE SIGHT OR GRIP OF IT AND SLIP INTO THE WHY ME MOOD….WHO CAN BLAME YOU….NOT US WITH SIGHT FOR SURE. WE VALUE YOUR BLOGS AND YOUR WRITINGS AND MESSAGES AND LOOK FORWARD TO THE MANY MORE YOU WILL SHARE WITH US IN THE FUTURE. KEEP ON BELIEVING IN YOURSELF….YOUR A SPECIAL GIFT TO US ALL. WITH LOVE, ME


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