Surviving

Feeling the warmth of the sun on a cloudy day. A glimpse into a blind billy goat's unique, ever changing perspectives.

2015 08 22 How Do I See Thee? August 22, 2015

How do I see thee? Let me count the ways.

I see with my eyes, although their finer days have stayed behind. I see with my fingers and hands, although some people might not find that appropriate. I see with my nose, and if it’s not too much trouble, could you take this bar of soap and go for a nice leisurely walk out in the pouring rain? I see with my tongue, but we won’t go there at all.
I see with my mind, and depending on what I’m thinking about, I’d say you look pretty damn good.

The fact is, I would love to be able to see as I used to. I’d love to be able to see the small little crinkles of skin beside the eyes when there’s a smile present. I’d love to be able to see those tears of joy that go along with the incredible feelings in your voice. I’d love to be able to see that little tongue sticking out of that incredibly cute little baby’s mouth as it first discovers what magnificent little toys its hands are. I’d love to be able to see the passion in the eyes of someone staring down an ice cream cone. I’d love to be able to see that nine year old face of my only grandson as he thumb wrestles with me. I’d love to be able to see my son’s bearded face as he sits beside me, driving his car. I’d love to get to see the smiling faces of my mother, my father, my brothers and sisters, just one more time. I’d love, oh how I’d love to be able to look into the bluest eyes I have ever fell in love with.

I don’t see the old traditional way anymore, and some days I really miss it. As time goes by, I think I miss it a little less, but I’ve learned a few different ways to see. It’s not the same, but it seems to do just fine in a pinch.

As the days, weeks, months and years go by since losing vision, my mind has been working overtime to pick up the slack. I’ve gone from not being able to memorize a phone number, to mapping out small little details in my mind. I can memorize a phone number these days, and I think that’s more to do with being able to put things like that to a rhythm that plays like music. 222 2222. Sounds like a hit song, right? Right?

Another thing my mind has learned how to do is to build images of the unknown, such as new people I meet, new places I go, New cars rolling down the street, and most of this mental imagery is done without me even having to ask my brain to do it. Is it becoming instinct after only five short years? I know I’ve seemingly tried to train my brain on some occasions, but usually that would leave me a little distraught because my mind has never really obeyed my orders very well.

It’s rather ironic when after I build a mental image of someone, and then they are described to me, I still automatically revert to my mental library when I’m around them, rather than using the description I was given. See? Once again my mind is taking the reins. Not that I’m complaining, but, maybe just this one time you could humor me, ok?

“I see!” said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

My mind has a tendency these days to fill my head with images, textures, colors, faces, and it all happens in an instant. No mental motoring required, no flipping through the pages, no changing the channel. It’s all right there in front of my nose, that is if I could see it.

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2 Responses to “2015 08 22 How Do I See Thee?”

  1. Judy Redding Says:

    Hi DP., this is really descriptive and gives me/us a window as it were, into your world. Both my 100 year old mother and my 90 yo ersatz big sister, best friend are dealing with macular degeneration and they are both struggling with the loss of sight. You are such an inspiration. Hopefully I won’t have to deal with it but if I do, I know a lot more about how to go on living. Btw, I would like very much to meet you as we are Battle Ridge neighbors. Can you private message me or email how we can make that happen?

    • DP Lyons Says:

      Hi Judy. Thanks so much for the note. If I’m able to help anyone with anything to do with my posts, then I’m a happy billy goat. Take care, and I’ll send you a private email. Take care neighbor. grin dp


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