Well hi there, and how the hell am I anyway? It’s been a while since I posted a regular entry in my blog, well, that is, I don’t think any of them have been regular, right? I mean, look at me! I’m rather irregular looking and full of things that are far from conformistificational. I don’t look like others, I don’t act like others, and you can ask my wife about that. I don’t sound like others, and my feet got longer when I turned forty. Yep. That’s me. An unnatural, rare oddity that eludes all logical explanations that have anything to do with whatever the hell it is that I’m writing, because I don’t have a frigging clue.
I suppose that a lot of us wander around our lives, trying to act like this person, or look like that person. We want to purchase things that this guy has, or that woman uses, or what those folks are listening to. With all the input and expectations and gimmicks and billboards pointing you in this direction and tugging you in that direction, how the hell can we ever figure out what it is that we really like? How do we ever know what makes us tick when we’re paying attention to someone else’s clock? When the sun comes up, do we get up because we want to, or because they tell us we need to hurry the hell up and get our lazy cabooses down to McDonalds and grab a dollar coffee? Is my mini van maroon because I love maroon, or because the dealer told me it looks good on me?
I suppose, once again, that I have never been really comfortable in my skin. Is it because of who was staring back at me in the mirror, or is it because the mirror was tuned into channel thirteen and they were discussing how fat to not get or how ugly I wouldn’t be if I bought this or used that?
It’s maddening to try and figure out who to be if we just don’t stop for a moment or three and figure it out ourselves. Why do we need someone else to tell us or show us or explain to us or persuade us or conceal from us or elude to us or condemn us or someone please stop me or I’ll probably never find the end of this stoopid sentence!
Phew. Ok, then.
Back to reality, or whatever that thing for sale was on that last commercial.
I have been searching for myself, for who I am, for what’s inside me these past four years. I suppose it’s been probably longer than that, but who’s counting.
I have always wondered what others see in me, but I think I have always paid more attention to how they express themselves around me, because of me. How I am interpreted by outside influenced dudes and dudettes has played such a vital role in my own perceptions of me, myself and I. If I was able to resemble a smart person, I would have figured out a long time ago that what matters most is how we feel about ourselves, because of what is inside us, and not what is fed to us by external sources.
I never liked who was staring back at me, and it was due mostly to visual persuasions. I didn’t like what I saw, so I became exactly what it was that I was only able to see. I was never that same person in the mirror. I never felt like him or wanted to pretend to be him. Who I felt like on the inside was always ass backwards from what the reflection held.
Hey everybody! Listen up! You are who you are, no matter what we think, or what we say, or how we act! I am who ai am, she is who she is, he be who he be, and they better get the hell out of my way, because these canes are made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days this cane is gonna walk all over, umm, walk all over, err, umm, walk all over, huh?
Where was I?
Non conformistic, pre-determined conditionary maneuver number 433.952 complete. Please return your trays to their upright positions before landing, and thank you for flying feet first.
Well, there I go again with another irregular post.
It’s pretty safe to say that I’m lost, so, I’m gonna go out to look for myself. If you should see me return before I get back, please ask me to wait, ok?