Surviving

Feeling the warmth of the sun on a cloudy day. A glimpse into a blind billy goat's unique, ever changing perspectives.

2014 06 15 Father’s Day Essay: Smiling Sun June 15, 2014

In honor of Father’s Day 2014, this post is dedicated to my father, Kenneth Wayne Lyons.
I love you dad and thank you for the inspiration.
You are the reason for what I have become.
dp

***

So there I was, shuffling through my day. It was a year or so ago, and I was a year or so younger than I am on this day. I probably was very similar to how I am right here and now, but my billy goat vision was a little bit better back then. My white’s were as white as white should be. My blacks were a snapshot of a pitch black night. My blues were just as blue as I remembered a cloudless sky being. The edges of my vision were more defined, the light coming in through the window explained more about my day, the shadows stretched out more vividly and the faces of those I love, although dull,murky and only vaguely familiar, reminded me of my past. Every so often, with just the right light, at just the right angle, I could catch a glimpse of my wife’s face. I could see her strong cheek bones, her thick eyebrows, her incredibly beautiful head of long, thick, dark hair, and for a brief moment in time, I could almost see the whites of the most beautiful Italian eyes I have ever gazed into. The snapshot was a memory, the still image was a heart full of what I had fallen in love with, and the moment was all mine.

Those moments were but a year ago, but the memories will last forever.

My memories also take me back to a similar day a year or so ago when I caught hold of a vision. This impression that took hold of me one day did exactly that, it took hold of me, completely and totally. I was held frozen, motionless for what seemed like eternity, although I’m sure it was only a second or two. My breath was taken away and a bright light shone down through me that totally illuminated my searching spirit.

I saw a flash, a short video clip of incredible brilliance that stood me up straight and made me say, “Wow”, under my breath. This moment in my mind started out on a heavily wooded dirt road that felt believably familiar. It felt like an early autumn day, almost like the first day of school used to. I had a rush go down through me, as if I was indeed headed straight towards that first day of elementary school. The feelings were all there, the new Sears corduroy pants, the new Thermos lunch box, the new pair of Tom McCann loafers, everything was in it’s place, and right on time.

All of a sudden, a bright yellow school bus drove up directly in front of me. As I looked at the bus, my vision took me out across the front hood of the bus, and a brilliant sun was rising up just behind it. It was perfect, almost as a moment of deja vu might be. It all fell into place and none of it caught me by surprise. This quick as a cricket moment was as if I were expecting it.

As I stared at the soothing sun rising up from behind the bus, the sun started to turn. It morphed into one of those smiling suns that you see hanging on an old barn wall. the kind that are made out of tin, with the long, fingered rays of the sun pointing out away from the sun all the way around. The strong, vivid, distinguished face of this earth warmer was looking sideways, smiling. A pleasant, soft, warm grin that would make you smile just looking at it.

You have to remember that all of this took only a moment or two, but it seemed to slow down time and for the life of me, I felt as though it was exactly what was supposed to happen, right there, right then, no questions asked.

Well, as the sun shiny smile took hold of me, it transformed into another very familiar face. I knew it was going to happen, and I knew who the new face was even before it came into view. A strong, proud, warm and caring face took hold of the moment and lifted my spirit up to new heights. The face belonged to my father, and he was as I had pictured him a thousand times. My father from my youth, my protector from my birth, my gentle guiding hands that had helped me and nourished me and taught me how to be me.

His face was looking sideways, as the sun’s was. I think for a split second, he looked at me out of the corner of his eye, and he winked, like he had done a million times before. That wink, that smile, that friendly face came to me quickly, and then, it was gone. The face was gone, the smile was gone, the bus, the sunrise, the country dirt road were all gone, but the feelings that had stirred up from deep down remained.

I held onto those feelings, as strong as it was at that moment, for a few days. I couldn’t get it out of my head. the image became part of me, and I, a part of it.

I haven’t had that experience since then. Perhaps it’s because I’m trying to create it in my subconscious or something. Who knows.

I have heard of folks with vision loss having these flashes of vision. It has happened to me a few times since my vision loss, but this particular encounter is definitely one that stands above all the rest.

One thing I do know, that window from another world, that glimpse across my past, that wonderfully amazing encounter was meant for me, and no one else.

Of all the things my mind can still see, this is one that will stay with me for all eternity.

***

I would like to wish a very happy Father’s Day to all the dads in the world.

Thanks Dad.
I love ya.

Thanks for stopping by my blog, and have a wicked good day.

dp

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3 Responses to “2014 06 15 Father’s Day Essay: Smiling Sun”

  1. River Road Says:

    Deon, I enjoyed reading this today and it took me back to glimpses of my own father. I wrote an article about my father last year, too. I posted it on my blog. The story is “Williams Red Roses” and it won 1st place last year at the NFB Writer’s Contest – which made me so happy. Isn’t it wonderful when our memories merge with our present, and we have those insights and can so clearly see our loved ones once again if only for a moment! Lynda Lambert “Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, Dreams. Who looks inside, Awakens.”

    Lynda McKinney Lambert River Road Studio The Village of wurtemburg, PA 16117 My Blog: Walking by Inner Vision at http://www.lyndalambert.com

    http://www.walkingbyinnervision.blogspot.com http://lyndalambert.com

    “Go into your self and see how deep the place is from which your life flows.” ……Ranier Maria Rilke

    ““Art is a dance between the artist, the art work, and solitude.” Lynda McKinney Lambert

  2. Paula Says:

    Deon: I don’t think any of us realizes just how much that little slice of light and occasional visual glimpses offered you in the way of hope, navigation, knowledge and joy. To know that you have lost some or most of that is heartbreaking–as it feels like it’s letting go of an old friend, who is slowly walking out of ‘view’. But despite that, you continue to “see” with the mind’s eye, and for that, I’m so greatful. Greatful that you have the depth of memory and “vision” held deeply within. Nothing, and no-one, can take that away from you. I, on the other hand, wish I could give you back what you have lost, and more. This was precious. Thanks for sharing–as always. xo pj

  3. carol lyons Says:

    that was very special. your moment in time to see into the past. how very special hon. like a dream when your awake…..cjl.


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