Things To Do Before Bed:
Well then, so you made it through another day. I’m so proud of you, of me, of us. Together, by myself, along with me, encompassed by a fully involved cranium, it’s always gonna be a piece of cake, that is, if you, if we can always remember a few small things, a few minor details, a few ever changing and continuously evolving unparalleled variables that can quickly and unknowingly propel us into a mind bending twist of unexpected consequences directly related to our wandering concentration.
As you know, as I know, as we know, there are always a few items that play a major factor in our ability to avoid those inescapable results brought on and instigated by yours truly. In other words, pay close attention to the following list of bed time “don’t ever do’s”, and “You had probably better do these things too’s”. They will come in handy, and they are always handy when they come to you by themselves.
Of course, please remember, and never forget, these items are taken into consideration from the perspective of a blind billy goat. Thanks, and we now return you to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.
1. Make sure when going to bed to put your slippers in the living room, on the floor at the end of the couch, so you don’t spend twenty minutes looking for them in the morning.
2. Check to make sure your mobility cane is hung up in the kitchen closet, up over the container of dog bones.
3. Lie your hoody over the chair, hand warming pouch down, so you don’t put it on backwards again in the morning.
4. Put all of Deena’s squeaky toys in the bowl in the corner of the living room floor next to the big plant pot where she hides her squeaky toys on you.
5. Remember to take Coco’s collar off and scratch her neck and head for five minutes, otherwise, she’ll sit and stare at you for fifteen minutes without saying a word.
6. Make sure that next morning’s supply of chocolate is ready to go in the fridge drawer.
7. Tuck your socks in the left front pocket of your sweat pants, so you can find them in the morning.
8. Don’t forget why the front left pocket of your sweats smells like dirty socks.
9. Straighten out the runner rug in the living room so you don’t trip on it and fall on the bowl of squeaky toys in the morning.
10. Close curtains in the kitchen so that when you get up and take Deena out to pee at 1:18 in the morning in your underwear, the neighbors won’t see you through the window when you turn the lights on, even though the lights don’t help you see where you’re going.
11. Put down some cat treats in the garage and feel which cats come to eat, making sure that you didn’t let any of them out when you took the dogs out to pee.
12. Put a little of Deena’s food on top of coco’s for a treat.
13. Put a little of Coco’s food on top of Deena’s for a treat.
14. Push the kitchen chairs in tight against the table so you don’t kick them across the floor at any time, in any manner.
15. Change the bandage on the toe you broke when you kicked a kitchen chair the night before.
16. Change the bandage on the other toe you broke four nights before that.
17. Make sure the talking alarm clock isn’t set, so it doesn’t go off in the morning when you don’t have to get up.
18. Brush the dog hair off your pillow.
19. Make sure the living room door isn’t open half way, like it was last week when you head butted it, again.
20. Go to the kitchen sink, grab a cup, fill it up, take a sip and rinse the dog hair out of your mouth.
21. Check kitchen chairs one more time.
22. Try to find the squeaky chicken toy you just kicked across the living room.
23. Take three ibuprofen and don’t call anybody in the morning.
That’s it. Piece of cake. Piece of crumb cake, heated up in the microwave ready to go, just for you tomorrow morning.
I’m sure, we’re sure that there’s probably a few things that have been overlooked, but that’s ok. This is a running list that is forever being updated. No matter what kind of day you have had, no matter how many times during the course of the day you forgot, we forgot we can’t see very well, no matter how many times you uttered compound profanities of wisdom, please always remember, and never forget, a list is good, a list is handy, a list is useful, and the list is hand made, by you, especially for you.