Surviving

Feeling the warmth of the sun on a cloudy day. A glimpse into a blind billy goat's unique, ever changing perspectives.

2013 12 01 Looking Through a Memory December 1, 2013

Looking Through a Memory

Growing up, I never ever dreamed I would become an adult and fall in love. I never felt comfortable around women, especially the beautiful ones. They had a way of spinning my insides into a twisted, knotted lump of emotional me. I didn’t know how to act around them, and I certainly didn’t picture myself growing old with one of them by my side.

That all changed back in the winter of 1980, when I met the most beautiful creature in the world. Everything about being with her was perfect. All of my inhibitions, all of my anxiety, all of my doubt and self consciousness and awkward inexperience flew out the window as I gazed into her eyes for the first time. That was one of the happiest times of my life. It felt like we had known each other since the dawn of time, and all this time, she was the one I was meant to be with. The term, “written in the stars”, seemed so appropriate. All of my shyness, all of my low self esteem, all of the reasons that I felt like I would never find a woman disappeared the first time she smiled at me.

One other time that was even happier for me, was the first time I looked into my son’s eyes. He, like my wife, was perfect in every way, and he was part of me, which made it even more magical. His facial expressions, his gurgling noises, his first cry, it was all full of happy. When he stuck his tongue out and blew bubbles, I cried deep down inside. I cried with a gladness that couldn’t be matched. It was indeed the happiest I had ever been, and I knew it inside and out.

Being a father, a dad, a figure that I had looked up to as a child, well, it was overwhelming at first. I really didn’t know how I was going to be a father. I really didn’t know how to be a man yet, I mean, I had just crawled out of my youth and fell into an adult’s body. Granted I had the most beautiful woman at my side, and the most perfect son ever created, but I still was sort of in a state of shock.

I have to tell you that I never thought things would ever get any better than that day at the hospital as I stared down, into my brand new son’s eyes. How could anything top that?

Twenty-four years later, I discovered a different kind of happy. I discovered what so many men before me had felt. I experienced the most satisfying feeling of human spirit that I probably will ever feel.

As my son gazed down into the eyes of his brand new son, my brand new grand son, my heart pumped blood into parts of my body that I didn’t even know existed. I felt a full sense of enlightenment, a complete happiness, a perfect encore of my son and me. As I watched him peer into his son’s eyes and smile, I developed a lump in my throat, and once again, I cried.

Seeing a new generation born from my parents and I, from my son and me, from me and my wife, that was the happiest I have ever been in my life.

Life sure has a way of spinning you around and setting you straight. Before I knew it, I had been spun around a couple of times, and it has helped me to become the man I am today. Seeing a new life start in the arms of my son was the most amazing feeling in the world.

Who knows, maybe in another twenty years, I’ll be looking through another memory?

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