I don’t dream of things that have happened in my life since my vision loss.
I have met a lot of people and have done a lot of things since that day in July, 2010, but I do not dream of them. I always seem to be led to a time period that goes back from the mid 90’s, and further. I dreamt a few weeks ago that I was in an old tire store, out back in it’s warehouse, walking swiftly through one of the aisles, which happened to be lined with people, with kids, with kids from my eighth grade class in Derry New Hampshire. I even remember seeing the face of a girl from that class, whom I had rarely, or never ever thought about for probably thirty years. How she popped up in my dream, I will never know. I spent a good deal of time that morning trying to remember her name. When it did finally come back to me, I couldn’t stop smiling, as she was the girlfriend of my best friend back then.
Why is that? Why don’t I dream of things that have occurred since my vision loss? I know I don’t have faces and landmarks to spur certain thoughts that might be associated with dreams, but to remember the face of a girl I hadn’t thought about since I was fourteen? It doesn’t make sense.
I know the faces aren’t real, at least they aren’t accurate, but I do have faces that I have made up for folks that I have met since my sight disappeared. I have made them up for everyone I have met. Most of them are wrong, very, very wrong, but they are catalogued and stored in my lightless database, and every time I am with that person, or think about them, that same face pops up.
I have asked my wife continuously what folks look like, and most of the time, my made up versions are far from reality, yet, they still exist in my mind as I have arranged. Even a close friend of mine who I pictured having brown hair, short, with a goatee is wrong, and I can’t seem to associate him with what I have been told that he looks like. He really has red hair and is under six feet tall, but my over six foot tall, brown haired version has stayed with me, and will probably stay with me. I jokingly asked him if he minded if my mental image was better looking than he was in real life. He said he didn’t mind, and his wife surely didn’t mind.
Sorry bud, but it is what it is, and you are what I picture you to be.
And still, I dream. I dream of life with sight. I did dream of dreams where I had been blind, and then, all of a sudden I could see, but even those dreams involved folks from my visual past. I would be walking around, able to see, thinking that it was weirdly wonderful to have sight, good, clear sight that caught me by surprise, but sight that seemed relatively normal after I got over the initial shock of having it. I would wake up from those dreams with a warm feeling of hope and a sense of direction.
What did these dreams mean?
I don’t dream of these things anymore, but I do dream that I can see.
I hope in the future that I can finally dream of the folks that I have come to known since the loss of vision in 2010. I wish and hope that I can mentally put a face with the voices and the feelings I have for all of you.
You all have been such a wonderful part of my life through these first few pages of this new chapter. I hope that I can put all of these feelings, subconsciously, into motion, where they belong. It is amazingly wonderful to be able to put anything to dream, after all, it’s part of us. It’s a part of us that probably would never be explored otherwise. It’s a part of us that could easily get us from point A to point B without any obstacles or hazards or unwanted outcomes.
I don’t usually have nightmares. I did when I was a youngster, but fortunately, not too often. Most of my dreams are taking me on a search for something. Constantly wandering and waiting and looking for something. I have no idea what it is, but it is always out there, just out of reach, sort of like my vision.
I have always wondered and pondered and contemplated on many things, mostly things that revolve around me. Their curiosity, their existence, their ability to sway the fabric of time has always intrigued me, and therefore, I dream.
Could you all do me a favor? Tell me that the way I picture you in my mind is correct, ok? I mean, it would save a lot of time and effort. I wouldn’t have to wipe the slate clean, I wouldn’t have to erase the data, I wouldn’t have to manipulate the etchings to correspond with reality, and maybe, just maybe, I could start dreaming of you all, finally.
The song, “Dream On” just popped into my head.
I guess that’s for another time, on another day, in another blog post.