Feeling the warmth of the sun on a cloudy day. A glimpse into a blind billy goat's unique, ever changing perspectives.

2013 02 11 Anxious Variables February 11, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — DP Lyons @ 7:36 pm

Hello again.


Another snow storm has come, and yes, it has gone. For once in a few times, this one lived up to the hype. It lived up to all of the hours of non stop weather man news coverage, and as it quickly blew in, all of the anxiety that came along with it, well, it was well deserved. All of the uneasy feelings of being unsure, they were all justified. As I woke up early in the wee hours of Saturday morning, and heard the wind howling up against the eastern side of the bedroom, I reached over and snapped the light switch on. Being able to see the dim light of the opposite wall’s light fixture come on, I breathed a sigh of relief, snapped the switch off, rolled over, and continued to listen to old man winter frolic away out in the back yard. There wasn’t much I could do about it, actually, there wasn’t anything I could do about it, so, I closed my eyes, and thought about spring.


I have always been sort of an uneasy soul. I have always been hampered by my anxious ways. I have always tended to lead up to things in my life with a truck load of vivid imaginations and half empty glasses of unfamiliarity that would leave me wondering and pondering about a lot of things that could go right, but also of a lot of things that could go wrong.


Why do we stray so much in our perceptions and inhibitions and feelings of inadequacy? I know for a fact that I let my emotions get the better of me more times than not. I take my wonderfully amazing imagination and run with it, usually every single time, until there is nowhere else to run with it, nowhere else to go, nowhere else to hide, and thus, I am left with no other option than to step back, pull up my pants, and run head first, directly into whatever it is that is in front of me. One other thing also, it is hardly ever as bad as I let my reckless imagination convince me of.


The old sayings go hand in hand. “It’s never as bad as it seems.” “You’re jumping to conclusions.” “The grass is always greener on the other side.” I could go on and on and on, but I’m sure you get the jist of it.


Can someone tell me just what the heck is a jist, and thank you?


And here I go again, talking about the last two years, like I haven’t before. Fact is, the last two years have taught me more than any other part of my life. They have taught me different things about me than I ever knew before. They have taught me, and showed me, and led me, and pulled me, and pushed me into more new things, places, people, events, all filled with uneasy feelings of uncertainty and doubt, wrapped around insecurity and immaturity.


Immature? Me? Are you sure?


You betcha! Look it up in a dictionary, and, voila?! There I am! Yours truly! A child like, heart pounding enigma, wrapped in a blanket of fear and doubt and, yes, anxiety. Huddled in a corner, waiting for the light to turn green. Only thing though, I couldn’t see the color green, and it scared the Skittles out of me.


I had been through so many times in my past where I had let my imagination get hold of all those unknown outcomes and, well, they usually ran wildly through the alleyways, screaming at the top of their lungs, but I was the only one who could hear it. No one else knew. Just me.


I can’t afford to do that a lot these days. I have to reach out and grab the lending hands when they present themselves to me. I choose to graciously accept them, and even though I do have so many uncertain unknowns waiting for me around every corner, and on the other side of so many crests, with their help, I am able to tackle the obstacles with faith, guidance and             support.


I suppose I am no different than anyone else, in that I wake up every morning and put both my feet on the floor. I don’t know what is going to happen during the day, and for the most part, trying to figure it all out in advance, well, here comes those uncertain feelings again.


We spend so much of our time worrying about what hasn’t happened. We waste so much time and energy on pondering and contemplating and sorting and trying to become aware of things that aren’t even real yet. One year from now, one month, day, hour, or minute from now, we probably won’t even remember what we were worrying about, right now. It will all be behind us, and we will be gearing up for the next thing. It will all be right in front of us, and once again, we will be the ones that get through it all.


Everyone you meet on the street is buzzing with uncertainty. Everyone you bump into is thinking about things not to bump into. Everyone you look at is looking ahead, towards the future, towards something that they have no idea how it will turn out. I often remember the old saying, “Treat each day as a gift, after all, that’s why they call it the ‘present'”.


So many gifts are out there waiting for us. So many things to unwrap. So many things to think of and ponder upon and wonder about. So many things with so many ways.


You know, sometimes, I wonder…


3 Responses to “2013 02 11 Anxious Variables”

  1. dplion Says:

    Hello everyone. Please note that there were a few posts that were reposted, due to some mess ups by yours truly. I had tried posting a few entries, but instead, it appears as though I entered them into either drafts, or the body of the posts were entered into a tag edit window, so I had some help sorting everything back into it’s proper places. Thanks for your patience, and please feel free to leave comments to the posts.

    Be well.


    Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

    Vivian Green


  2. Paula J. Lumb Says:

    Big D: if Truth be told isn’t part of your personal self description at this phase of your life, I don’t know what is. Vulnerable, honest to goodness, bare your soul truth about who you are, how it’s been and continues to be, and about the strength and self awareness you’ve gained over these past two+ years since your “death of sight” and “birth of vision.” Internal vision. Know thyself. Yes, sir, you’ve got that going in spades. We can all relate to your truth. It’s like a mirror you’re holding up for all of us to take a good hard look at ourselves with. If we’re one-tenth as honest with ourselves as you are, we’ll all admit to a certain measure of uncertainty, anxiety, fear, and eternal wondering. Thanks again, Brother. LU. pj

    • Paula Says:

      Correction to PJ s comment should read…Truth be told, if this isn’t part of your self description… Sorry I didn’t catch my typo! Night!

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