This Point in Time
How did I get here?
How did I get right, here?
How did I get to this point in time, in this chair, in this room, this house, this life? How was I chosen to be placed in this never ending roller coaster of emotional extremes? Was I chosen, or did I choose this for myself? What lessons am I supposed to learn, if I infact, did choose to live this life?
Am I experiencing things that were overlooked in some other parallel? Am I putting the pieces of a much larger puzzle together? Is this life getting me ready for the next amusement ride?
Am I ever going to find out? What happens if and when I do find out? Will I be automatically readied for the next run through? Will I at least have a chance to get a look at the instruction manual before I am catapulted into the next level? Do I have enough tokens to reach the next destination, or will I be left behind, out there somewhere, in a null, dark, empty void, hollering for assistance?
Why can’t things be as simple as when I was a kid? Why can’t I just have the simplicity of a child’s expectations? Why can’t I enjoy today, without worrying about tomorrow? Why can’t I live for today, without having to plan for a tomorrow full of uncertainty and unknowns?
I didn’t know what I was going to write when I started this. Why did I start writing about this topic? Was I destined to? Was it part of the plan? Am I really supposed to be right here, right now, writing about this exact thing? Did I learn how to touch type so that I could be right here, right now, pounding away on my keypad? Does that sound normal?
Are any of you really out there, or am I just watching a movie, or a dream? Could this thing that feels like my life just is that rapid quick reel of events that plays out before your very eyes, as you are hovering along the precipice of death? Is that what this is? All that I have experienced in this life, could it be just a trial run for the next endeavor? This is just a test, right? This is just a trial run for things to come, right? This is just a warm up lap to get all of the bugs and quirks worked out, right?
How am I doing? How am I really, really doing? Am I following the original protocol? Am I staying in the lines? Am I staying on course? Why did the last twelve years go by so fast? Were they supposed to? How come I can’t remember a lot of them? Did I do all of those drugs for a reason? Was I not supposed to remember all of the things that I have forgotten about? Will I ever get the chance to remember them again? Will the next twelve years go by as fast as the last twelve did? Did my life change so much to snap me out of a never ending spiral of self induced void? Is what happened to my vision a form of self awareness that was crucial in the structure of my time here?
Why am I typing so many questions? Shouldn’t I know all of these answers by now, I mean, I have been here a very very long time already. Seems to me that I should know this stuff by now, right?
Why is it that I handle things the way that I do? How come I choose to walk away, or avoid certain situations in my life? Why do I get so emotional over certain things in my life? Why do I get all weird feeling when I am confronted with uncertainty and different levels of stress? Why do I cry when a Hallmark commercial comes on TV? Am I supposed to be the way I am, or am I the way I am because of things that have happened to me? Do things happen to me because of the way that I am? Is my vulnerability being protected in the grand scheme of things? What am I being protected from? Why don’t I have the same drive that enables others to excel in life? Why don’t I have the same faith and trust in my own abilities, as I see so many others do? Why do I get all choked up under certain situations where others just seem to be able to handle much better?
Am I really on a warrior’s quest that the cards say that I am? Who decided to put me right here? Who decided that I should be the way that I am? Is it all God’s plan? Is there really a single plan for me, or am I part of a larger plan?
What is going to happen this December 21st? Why can’t I get it out of my mind? Am I here, have I been put here to experience something that is going to be an incredible event? Is that why we are all here? Is that all that there has ever been, just this one moment? Is that all there is? One moment in time? One experience that explains it all? One truly amazing chain of events that will, without a doubt, let us know why this is all here? Am I going to be a factor in something that I have been destined to be a part of from the beginning?? Will this all make sense very soon, or will I still live to learn until I have lived and learned my fill?
All of those stars out there; do they have blue marbles spinning around them, just like us? Are we like the little fleck of dust on the flower in Horton Hears a Whom? Do I have an elephant staring at me right now? Is there someone else staring at me? At us all? Hello? Are you there? Are we just one big experiment?
Have I asked enough questions, or should I ask for more? Am I supposed to end this document right now? If I end it now, what will happen? Am I supposed to end this right now, and find out?
What would happen if, for some reason, all of a sudden, I just stopped typing?