“Hello Mr. Hosta. And how are you today?
I know I haven’t been out to see you in a while, and I’m sorry. Believe me, it frustrated me probably as much as it did you. As much as it did all of you. And how are all of you anyways? Now, let me drop down to the ground and, “groan”, there we go.
Now, let’s have a look at you. I can’t believe after two years of being neglected by yours truly, it’s amazing how well you all are still doing. I know, I know. It’s my fault. All of it. I know. I said I was sorry, didn’t I? Ok then. Sheeesh. I guess I just wasn’t ready to get to you before this, and I know you won’t understand. How could you ever understand something as complicated as this anyways, I mean, after all, you’re just a clump of plants. Very nice looking plants if I may say so.
Round and round the tree you go. One clump after another. I remember when I planted you little guys, all six of you, around this big maple tree. At first I wondered if you would grow, mainly because every other thing I put around this tree, well, it just never did well.
Oh yes, I was skeptical that you guys would do well, and look at you now! My oh my!
I do love the big leaves of you all green guys, but I think I am partial to the smaller leaved verigated fellows. My spell checker is having a fit with that word. Oh well. You just seem to have more character, and of course, I can see a little hint of the light stripes of your leaves. Yes, I think I like you guys best of all.
Who put all these weeds in here? Boy I’d like to get my hands on the, ha ha. Just kidding. I mean, weeds are people too. I just wish they would stay far, far away from you guys, and from the rest of my flowering friends. Shrubs and bushes too! Leave! Scram! Vamoose!
Is vamoose a word? If it isn’t, it should be.
There now, one group done, and five to go. I think I’ll have to dig up this circling wall of bricks and reset them. They look like the winters have taken their toll on them.
Round and round the tree we go. Hmm? It seems that one clump is missing. What’s this pile of dirt beside where this clump used to be?
Grrrr! I know what it is! It’s Charlie the wood chuck! That little! What is it with him and hostas? I mean, it was just two summers ago that he dug a huge hole right in the middle of the hostas in front of the porch! That little! I bet he’s the culprit behind this missing clump of hostas.
What is it with him and hostas anyways?
I think I’ll have to dig up a small clump from the huge area of hostas in the flower garden this fall and place it where this missing one used to be.
Ok, where was I? Ahh yes, I remember. The bricks. I guess I’ll just try and straighten them out as I work around the tree. One brick here, one brick there, and a couple of weeds, weeds, weeds. That’s how we pass the time away, in the merry old land of, YEOOWWW! What in heck was? Ouch! Man oh man! Who put one of those pricky bushes in my hostas? Son of a. Medic!
Ok. Easy now. Where’s the base of this stupid thing? Ouch! There it is!
I found it! Why am I hollering? I’m the only one out here. Ok, now how smart do I feel? Not very.
Ok, easy now. Grab this stupid thing, and, Ouch! Man oh man, this thing is out to get me.
Change four, plan six. Man over pricky bush. Mental advantage, human, hopefully.
One, two, two and a half, THREE! Hooray! Plant evicted! Stupid thing. I’ll just throw you over there, and, back at it again.
Ok then, four clumps done, and one to go. Rut row. Horse Fly! Oh No! Horse Fly! Standard Tactical Defensive Procedure engaged. Stand up, scream like a girl, and start flailing arms wildly, hoping to smack the crap out of him
Ha Ha! Gotcha you little flesh biting, blood sucking Sherman tank with a kickstand! Who’s the man! Who’s the man! That’s right! That’s right! Yeooww! Why you little, I thought I got you? Ouch! Right in the back of the calf! Man that hurts! Stupid little bug! I hate you! Do you hear me?
Ok. Focus. Where was I? Oh ya, last clump. Kneel down and, whoops, wrong side of the tree. Hehe. I’ll just crawl around and, oww! What the heck is that! Oh cool. How clever am I? I just crawled over the picky bush weed thing that I pulled out and threw to the side. I must be the smartest man on the planet. Holy crap! Medic! I think I’ll crawl the other way, and thank you very much.
There now, where’s that last clump of hostas? Hello? Yoo hoo? Oh, hi there. And how have you been? Nice to hear. Who, me? Don’t ask.
Ok then, pull, pull, straighten, pull, and finally, pull. Cool. All cleaned out. I must say, what a nice job. Not bad for a guy that can’t, what the? Oh no! Incoming! Horse fly swarm at ten o’clock! Tango, Alpha, Mango, Foxtrot! That’s it! I’m outta here! See you hostas next June, or maybe in six weeks.
Help! They’re after me!
Run for the hills!”