11 22 11 Old Movies
My wife told me yesterday afternoon that there was something about me that was different. She couldn’t quite place it, but it was different just the same.
I asked her what it was, and she said that she couldn’t quite put a finger on it. I asked her if it was this, or if it was that, and she couldn’t say.
I sat and thought about it for a long time, pondering on the changes in me that perhaps I wasn’t aware of. I thought, and thought, and thought. There are so many possibilities why she might perceive me as different. There are so many reasons why I may act differently, or seem different, or talk different, or walk different.
I could probably sit here and wonder what she sees, or notices that is different about me. God knows I have felt different my whole life. Maybe it’s just starting to catch up to me?
I have always been a reactionary person. I react to my surroundings, like a chameleon, ever changing to the surroundings. I have always done that, and if I may say so, I have gotten pretty good at it over the years. Practice makes perfect, as the old saying goes.
I try to think and remember how I was a couple years ago. I try to remember how I reacted to certain things, and how I communicated with people, with my family, and my wife. It doesn’t seem like very long ago most of the times, although there are the times when it seems worlds away.
I remarked to someone last night that I can not believe how fast the days are chugging by. One on top of the other, they are piling up very quickly, and I can’t stop them.
She remarked that this is very true with getting older. I couldn’t disagree in the least, and had heard this a thousand times. The only thing that seemed different was that it had become very apparent to me, that it was happening to me. I am one of those people that are getting older and I am noticing that the time is flying by.
I woke up this morning, wondering how different I had become these past couple years. I remembered the past, and flipped through the present. As I often do, I laid in bed and remembered and smiled and laughed and came close to tears as the movies of my past jumped from reel to reel. One by one, they all play out, and I am left with a head full of my life.
I notice that the memories that come flooding at me are more vivid now than ever before. They tell the stories that have been neatly stored away, behind all the other stuff, way up on the top shelf, in that dusty old Tom McCann shoe box.
I had always been very good at imagining what the future might hold for me. I used to play out made up scenarios in my head, over and over again. I enjoyed making up these fictitious events in my mind. I was good at it, and spent a lot of time doing it. I don’t know why, and I really don’t have the time to make up scenarios that try explaining these made up scenarios.
I can remember sometimes as I would roll through the memories of my past, I would try and recall certain things that I had forgot about. I would usually never be able to pull out some relic that I had forgotten about. It seemed that my memories, and my past, was fixed. I had these memories, and I had those memories, and nothing more, That was it. I just couldn’t recall anything new, or old.
That has changed these past couple years. I have noticed that when I sit and ponder, I am usually pulled back into my past. I am able to fetch and bring to life many events and feelings and emotions from my past that, quite honestly, I had completely forgotten about. The emotions that come with these old movies are amazing, and I am overwhelmed with them at times. They are, for the most part, very powerful and good, leaving me with a sense of my life that I never ever want to forget again.
I wonder, as of late, if the fact that I have no new visual input, so to speak, is the reason that these old forgotten tid bits of my past are finally starting to come to the surface. I don’t know if that’s true, and I am not complaining in the least. I have seen so much in my life, and I have forgotten a huge chunk of it. Being able to recall some of the stored and forgotten relics are so incredibly amazing and wonderful, that all I can say is, wow, I remember that!
I have always thought of myself as an old softie, but now it appears that I am evolving into an old dusty, tattered, memory foam softie. Six foot four, and two hundred and s;lkaoi pounds of Maine teddy bear pliable gooey emotion.
I still am not sure what is different about me. I am not really sure if I will figure out what my wife was talking about. I know that she really doesn’t know what it is that’s changed in me.
I do know that whatever it is, I hope it doesn’t drive her crazy, because I need her in my life more now than ever. She has played such a big role in the movies of my past, and I can’t see myself stepping into any future role without her as the leading lady.
I did ask her if the thing that seems to be different, or missing about me was the fact that I can’t see her when she is talking to me. I can look at her, but I am not seeing her in the present. When she is talking to me, I picture her from my memories. She is just as beautiful, and those eyes. I still see and feel those eyes staring into my soul.
I will have these movies to play, and images to flip through, of her, until the day that I die. I am blessed to have such a wonderful library of my life’s moments at my fingertips. I can watch the past whenever I want, and the pause button works perfectly. How can I lose, considering that I can mix new releases with yesterday’s classics.
Topping it all off, there is no monthly fee. See me smiling?